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Writing Samples
Band 3

Nowadays, many people have access to computers and a large number of children enjoy playing video games. What are the advantages and disadvantages of playing video games for children？

In recent years, many people have access to
computer
Check wording
computers
show examples
, especially
children
Use synonyms
enjoy
Correct pronoun usage
who enjoy
show examples
 playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
. Some people think it is
bad
Correct article usage
a bad
show examples
 idea to allow
children
Use synonyms
play
Verb problem
to play
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video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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other
Replace the word
others
 do not find it bad. There are both
adventages
Correct your spelling
advantages
 and disadvantages of playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 for
children
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
do
Correct subject-verb agreement
does
show examples
 not have many benefits for
children
Use synonyms
. First of all, it is bad for health.
Children
Use synonyms
 who play too
much
Correct determiner usage
many
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 can get more nervous,
games
Use synonyms
 can impact their vision and change
behaviour
Correct determiner usage
their behaviour
show examples
.
In addition
Linking Words
, it can directly impact their education.
For example
Linking Words
, spending too much
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 affects academic performance,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 started to spend less
time
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 education.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, sometimes playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
have
Correct subject-verb agreement
has
show examples
 positive moments.
On
Use the right word
One
show examples
 of the main
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 is
it
Correct word choice
that it
show examples
 can help them feel relaxed and let them spend
good
Correct article usage
a good
show examples
time
Use synonyms
 with friends.
For instance
Linking Words
, when they are really busy, have a lot of lessons, they feel very tired and
play
Wrong verb form
playing
show examples
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 could help them feel empty and relaxed.
Moreover
Linking Words
, playing is
more safety
Replace the word
safer than
 spending
time
Use synonyms
than
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
walking
outdoor
Replace the word
outdoors,
 which can be dangerous for them. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 using
computer
Correct article usage
a computer
show examples
 and playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 have advantages,
i
Fix capitalization
I
show examples
 strongly believe that it is not good for
children
Use synonyms
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 parents should try to
contol
Correct your spelling
control
 their
time
Use synonyms
 and allow them to play as little as possible.

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task response
Answer both sides in a more even way. You talk more about the bad side than the good side.
coherence and cohesion
Add clearer main ideas at the start of each body paragraph.
task response
Use examples that are more specific and easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly with simple words like first, also, however, and for example.
task response
Some ideas are too general. Explain how and why video games help or hurt children.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same point in one paragraph. Do not mix health, study, and feelings too fast.
task response
You answer the question and discuss both advantages and disadvantages.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words like first of all, for example, and in conclusion.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cognitive skills
  • problem-solving
  • strategic thinking
  • gamified learning
  • hand-eye coordination
  • fine motor skills
  • social interaction
  • multiplayer
  • cooperative gaming
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • obesity
  • academic performance
  • aggressive behavior
  • desensitization
  • eye strain
  • sleep patterns
  • fatigue
  • concentration difficulties
What to do next:
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