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Writing Samples
Band 5

Many employers find that their new employees lack sufficient interpersonal skills such as lack of ability to work with colleagues as a team. What are the causes? Can you suggest some possible solutions.

The majority of executives encounter so many problems related to their workers’ collaboration. The reason why they do not interact with their co-workers because most of them are shy or even introverted. To cope with
this
Linking Words
 problem, employers should encourage workers to
work
Use synonyms
 together in
one
Correct determiner usage
the same
show examples
 field of
work
Use synonyms
. Nowadays, the proportion of fearful individuals is increasing day by day. Basically,
this
Linking Words
 repercussion influencing on companies as well. Many workers find it hard to
work
Use synonyms
 or even communicate with their co-workers. The particular reason for
this
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 circumstance is that people are afraid to speak in public places.
In other words
Linking Words
, they are isolated from society. Fear inside of the individuals forms from their childhood. Either their parents prohibited them from doing something particular which related to networking , or trauma can be a stem for that issue. As they grow up, they likely have to earn money for a living, so they find a workplace. As they are deliberately hired by the company, they start entering the social world. But here is the catch, people find it difficult
Use synonyms
work
Verb problem
to work
show examples
 in that place.
Executive
Correct article usage
The executive
show examples
 gives them
task
Correct article usage
a task
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 to accomplish
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, they do not even come to one mind. Organising a project requires idea sharing
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if they are all silent, that means no result, no progress. To tackle
this
Linking Words
 issue, employers should encourage them to be open in front of colleagues.
For example
Linking Words
, organising a tour to somewhere actually helpful in order to strengthen the bond between them. During the journey, they interact or even share their interests with each other. Plus, entertainment can help release stress in
this
Linking Words
 fast-paced era. After an enjoyable adventure, they rekindle their relationship both toward their own company and colleagues.
As a result
Linking Words
, the company’s profit will accelerate significantly.
Additionally
Linking Words
, it should be noted that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 little investment can lead to astonishing breakthroughs and achievements. In conclusion, as long as managers desire to acquire more trophies and growth, they should encourage their staff to
work
Use synonyms
 together through entertainment.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You talk about causes and solutions, but the causes part is too narrow. Give 2 clear causes, not only shyness.
task response
Make your main idea more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly what the causes are and what solutions you will discuss.
task response
Use more clear and real examples. The trip example is good, but one more work example would make your answer stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. Some parts move from fear, to childhood, to work problems too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas more clearly. Use simple links like First, Also, Because of this, For example, and As a result.
coherence and cohesion
Check sentence order and grammar because some lines are hard to follow, and this hurts the flow of your essay.
task response
You answer the topic and give both causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use an example about a tour to support your solution.
Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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