IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some employers of their employees subsidized membership of gyms and sports clubs, believing that this will make their staff healthier and thus more active at work. Other employers see no benefit in doing so. Consider the arguments from both aspects of this possible debate, give your opinion.

Some
companies
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 believe that buying
gym
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 or sports
memberships
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 for those who work for them
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 is a great way to increase in-house productivity. Others, unfortunately, disagree. In my opinion, investing in the health of their workforce goes a long way. There are indeed positives to investing in
gym
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memberships
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 for workers. Exercise has not only been linked with decreasing rates
in
Change preposition
of
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 diseases
such
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 as obesity or arthritis, but
also
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 positively affects mental health. Endorphins are released during exercise, which
better
Correct subject-verb agreement
improves
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 the mood of individuals both in the short term
as well as
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 the long
.
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term.
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This
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as
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, as
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 a
result
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result,
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 will enhance work performance. Of course, there is
also
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 the added benefit that the person will feel that the company cares for them on a more personal level, and
therefore
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,
this
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 small act of kindness helps an individual feel more cared for. Again, bettering their attitude towards work. Other employers may dispute
this
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, arguing that costs for
such
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memberships
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 may quickly accumulate
,
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apply
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 and not have a large return. Even with the act of buying these
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memberships
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memberships,
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 there is no guarantee employees will actually use these opportunities.
Large scale
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Large-scale
companies
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 may
therefore
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 spend
thoussands
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thousands
 on buying these entries only for some not to use them.
This
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 expense would put financial
pressures
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pressure
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 on the company. I think it's obviously correct for a
cooperation
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corporation
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 to invest in
their
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its
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 workers.
This
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 act cultivates a feeling of respect for them. If finances are the reason behind the inhibition of doing so, there are ways the company can keep their expenses lower
i.e.
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, i.e.
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 installing an in-house
gym
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. In conclusion, some
companies
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 may not trust that placing money in
gym
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memberships
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 will show fruitful benefits, whilst others deem it to be necessary. As
companies
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 can take actions to keep the initial investment low, I believe that the benefits
outweight
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outweigh
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 the negatives.

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task response
For task response, you answer both sides and give your opinion, so this is good. To get a higher score, add one more clear and real example for each side.
task response
Some ideas are clear, but a few parts are too general. Explain how gym use leads to better work with one simple step-by-step reason.
coherence and cohesion
For coherence and cohesion, your essay has a clear start, middle, and end. To improve more, link ideas more smoothly and avoid repeating the same point about workers feeling cared for.
coherence and cohesion
Use paragraph topic sentences that are more direct. This will make each main idea easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with small wording problems like 'increase in-house productivity' and 'entries'. More natural word choice helps the reader follow your meaning.
task response
You discuss both views and clearly give your own opinion.
task response
Your main ideas are relevant to the topic and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs stay on one main idea, which helps the flow.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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