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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts illustrate the number of participants in the Olympic Games from 1924 to 2012, including a comparison between male and female athletes.The charts show how the number of Olympic participants changed between 1924 and 2012, with separate figures for men and women.

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The chart and graph illustrate
Use synonyms
number
Correct article usage
the number
show examples
 of male and female
participants
Use synonyms
 in the
Olyimpics
Correct your spelling
Olympics
 from 1924 to 2012 and the total
number
Use synonyms
 of
participants
Use synonyms
 over time
Overal
Correct your spelling
Overall
number
Use synonyms
 of
participants
Use synonyms
 increased significantly
Linking Words
this
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
during
Correct determiner usage
this
show examples
period.
In addition
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of women grew faster than menbalthough men were always higher. In
1924
Punctuation problem
1924,
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 there were about 3000
malee
Correct your spelling
male
participants
Use synonyms
while
Linking Words
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of female
participants
Use synonyms
 was
low very
Correct word order
very low,
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around 100. Byy 1952bthe
number
Use synonyms
 of men increased to about 4 500
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 women rose slightly to around 500. In
1984
Punctuation problem
1984,
show examples
 male
participants
Use synonyms
 reached approximately 5 200
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
show examples
 female
participants
Use synonyms
grow
Wrong verb form
grew
show examples
 more quickly to about 1500. In 2012
Punctuation problem
,
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the
number
Use synonyms
 of male
participants
Use synonyms
 was about 6000
while
Linking Words
 female
participants
Use synonyms
 increased sharply to nearly 4 800. As
Correct article usage
a
show examples
result
Punctuation problem
result,
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 the gap between men and women became smaller. The line
grapph
Correct your spelling
graph
also
Linking Words
show
Correct subject-verb agreement
shows
show examples
 that
Correct article usage
the
show examples
total
number
Use synonyms
 of
participants
Use synonyms
 rose steadily from around 3 000 in 1924 to over 10 000 in 2012.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, participants with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "illustrate" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 8 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 3 times.
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