IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The leaders or directors of organizations are often elderly people. However, some say that young people can also take the lead of organizations or companies. To what extent do you think that the experience of the elderly outweighs the energy of the youngsters?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Try for free →
Companies tend to select experienced employees
for being
Wrong verb form
to be
show examples
 their CEO. Naturally, as the years pass by, the knowledge we get is greater.
However
Linking Words
, some people believe that the enthusiasm of younger directors could play a beneficial role in businesses. In my opinion,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 some posts in the
organizational
Change the spelling
organisational
show examples
 chart are critical and you need to rely on core abilities rather than energy, which are usually linked to older people. Directors with a vast curriculum are probably more prepared to face various challenges based on their own past job experience. When you have to deal with a problem
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 or
take
Verb problem
make
show examples
 a big decision, you need more than intuition. A well-prepared leader can apply to current situations their own lessons learned.
Additionally
Linking Words
, not only do they have more years of
being
Check wording
experience
show examples
 in the business, but they
also
Linking Words
 tend to have more practical and theoretical competencies.
While
Linking Words
 it is undeniable that a deep understanding
on
Change preposition
of
show examples
 how to manage an enterprise is essential for success,
is it
Correct word order
it is
show examples
also
Linking Words
 true that new generations can provide new trends and ways to foster company growth.
Thus
Linking Words
, it is no surprise that in the field of
technology
Add a comma
technology,
show examples
 we find more young people in charge of relevant departments.
However
Linking Words
, it is
also
Linking Words
 right that when a corporation reaches a big scale, they change their Direction for someone of advancing age and with more resources. One explanation for
this
Linking Words
 is that they try to reduce risky decisions, which are more likely to happen at
a young
Correct word choice
an early
show examples
 stage of a person´s life. We can all agree that the key
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 an
organization´s
Change the spelling
organisation´s
show examples
 success is a balanced
conduction
Replace the word
conduct
. One
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 can apply general knowledge and a sense of what is coming up in the market. In
this
Linking Words
 particular case, from my point of view,
while
Linking Words
 the innovation that a young employee can provide is crucial, the set of skills of an older one is
overall
Linking Words
 more robust.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Answer the question more directly in each body part. Show more clearly why old leaders are better than young ones.
task response
Add one or two clear real-world examples to support your ideas. This will make your points stronger.
task response
Explain your main ideas a bit more. Some points are good, but they need deeper support.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer linking between some ideas. A few sentences feel a little sudden.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph and develop it fully before moving on.
coherence and cohesion
Make your comparison more balanced. Show both sides, then give a firmer final view.
task response
You clearly give your opinion in the introduction and keep it through the essay.
task response
The essay answers all parts of the question and discusses both old and young leaders.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, middle, and end.
coherence and cohesion
Most paragraphs have a clear main idea.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: