IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people get into debt by buying things they don't need and can't afford. What are the reasons for this behaviour? What action can be taken to prevent people from having this problem? Grexperiens for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge

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Nowadays
Punctuation problem
Nowadays,
show examples
 a certain
amount
Check wording
number
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 of
people
Use synonyms
 take
loans
Use synonyms
 to purchase items that are not necessary for them and that they do not have
money
Correct article usage
the money
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 for.
This
Linking Words
 essay will discuss how marketing and shopaholism can alter
people
Use synonyms
's financial condition
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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then
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 state that
banks
Use synonyms
 should start checking and controlling what
people
Use synonyms
 take
loans
Use synonyms
 for. Every day we see a huge amount of advertisements both on the internet and in real life. Business owners and marketing agents want us to buy more and more things, so that they can get big money from us. Meanwhile, not a big part of the population has
means
Correct article usage
the means
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 to buy that
much
Fix the agreement mistake
many
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 things, that they probably do not even need. Some
people
Use synonyms
 become victims of
such
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system
Correct article usage
a system
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, where prices increase, salaries stay the same
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 advertising becomes more persistent
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they simply can not handle that and
then
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 become shopaholics and get into debt because of it.
For example
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, beauty brands
such
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 as
rhode
Fix capitalization
Rhode
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,
rare beauty
Fix capitalization
Rare Beauty
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, fenty beauty create almost the same products and pay influencers to advertise them in their blogs and
as a
Linking Words
consequence
Punctuation problem
consequence,
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people
Use synonyms
 want to buy those products, which
the
Correct pronoun usage
they
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 actually do not need at all. To prevent
people
Use synonyms
 from destroying their financial situation and stability
Use synonyms
banks
Punctuation problem
, banks
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 can start tracking what
people
Use synonyms
 take
loans
Use synonyms
 for. That way,
people
Use synonyms
 will not have an opportunity to get themselves into debt just to buy another unnecessary thing they saw online.
Banks
Use synonyms
 will only give out
loans
Use synonyms
 if they are truly reasonable and crucial.
Less
Correct determiner usage
Fewer
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people
Use synonyms
 will break under the system and will be secured from ruining their lives.
For instance
Linking Words
,
banks
Use synonyms
 already track transactions and where they go
and
Punctuation problem
, and
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 they
also
Linking Words
 check if you have
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 ability to return your loan. In conclusion,
people
Use synonyms
's lives are heavily affected by
marketing
Correct article usage
the marketing
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 system and
current
Correct article usage
the current
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 economy in a bad way,
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
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 makes their financial condition worse, but
this
Linking Words
 essay believes that it can be changed by
banks
Use synonyms
 taking
actions
Check wording
action
show examples
.

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task response
Answer both parts more fully. You give reasons and one action, but you can add one more clear action.
task response
Make your main ideas more direct. Say the reason first, then explain it in a simple way.
task response
Use examples that are more general and clearly linked to debt, not only brand names.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. This will make your essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use short linking words clearly, like first, also, because, as a result, and finally.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long. Cut them into two shorter sentences for better flow.
task response
You answer the topic and talk about both causes and solutions.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.
task response
You use an example to support your point.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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