IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

In many countries today, if people want to find work, they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweight the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relavant examples from knowledge or experience.

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In many societies,
people
Use synonyms
 often move from rural areas to cities in search of better employment opportunities.
While
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this
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 trend has both advantages and disadvantages, I believe the negative effects on individuals and communities outweigh the benefits. When
people
Use synonyms
 relocate for work, they frequently experience loneliness and emotional strain. Life in large cities is often fast-paced and lacks meaningful interaction, as most
people
Use synonyms
 are focused on their jobs and daily responsibilities.
As a result
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, newcomers may stuggle from friendships and find supportive social circles, which can lead to feelings of isolation. Research consistently shows that limited human interaction is strongly linked to higher rates of depression, especially among those who live far from their families and long-term support networks. There are
also
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 significant consequences for the communities
people
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 leave behind. When large numbers of young adults migrate to urban areas, rural towns are left with ageing populations.
This
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 shows economic development and reduces innovations, as younger
people
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 typically drive technological and social progress.
In addition
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, cultural traditions may gradually disappear because there are fewer young
people
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 to learn and preserve them. Over time,
such
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 communities often experience stagnation or even decline, both culturally and economically. In conclusion,
although
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 moving away from one’s hometown may offer better job prospects and higher income, it often comes at the cost of personal well-being and community development. These advantages, in my view, outweigh the disadvantages. It would be more beneficial for individuals and governments to invest in improving local opportunities so that
people
Use synonyms
 can build successful careers without sacrificing their family connections or cultural heritage.

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task response
Your last line does not match your idea. You say the bad points outweigh the good, but the end says the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. Change this to match your view.
task response
Answer the question more directly in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you think the disadvantages are greater, and keep this same view in the end.
task response
Your main ideas are clear, but you need one or two more clear examples to make them stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, body, and end, which is good.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. You do this well in many places, but make sure each paragraph has one clear main point.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are not fully clear because of word errors, like 'stuggle from friendships' and 'This shows economic development'. Fixing these will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You give a clear opinion and most of the essay supports it.
coherence and cohesion
Your body paragraphs stay on the topic and each one has one main idea.
coherence and cohesion
You have both an introduction and a conclusion, which helps the essay feel complete.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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