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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The pie graphs below show the result of a survey of children's activities. The first graph shows the cultural and leisure activities that boys participate in, whereas the second graph shows the activities in which the girls participate.

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The pie charts give information about boys’ and girls’ cultural and leisure
activities
Use synonyms
. They compare
variety
Correct article usage
a variety
show examples
 of
activities
Use synonyms
 for both genders. But in common, both of them have
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
 interests,
for example
Linking Words
in
Punctuation problem
,
show examples
 listening
music
Change preposition
to music
show examples
, playing computer games,
reading
Correct word choice
and reading
show examples
. First boys’ chart, most of their
activities
Use synonyms
 include different
kind
Fix the agreement mistake
kinds
show examples
 of
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
: skateboarding, soccer, basketball.
That it
Correct word choice
It
show examples
 isn’t
surprisingly
Replace the word
surprising
,
how
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 we can mention, most of
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
, guys prefer to spend their time doing
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
. But
also
Linking Words
 a big part of
pie
Correct article usage
the pie
show examples
 chart takes computer games, a bit less than half, 34%. To compare boys’ and girls’
activities
Use synonyms
 charts, they illustrate that
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
show examples
 of listening to music
hobby
Check wording
apply
show examples
is equal. But
Linking Words
also
Punctuation problem
also,
show examples
 they show a big gap in reading activity. In
analyzing
Change the spelling
analysing
show examples
 girls’ cultural activity, the
sport
Check wording
sports
show examples
 part is very impressive too
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 if summarize their percentage, it gives 53%. Ladies
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
also
Linking Words
 have
interest
Correct article usage
an interest
show examples
 in computer games, but not
that big
Correct word choice
as much
show examples
 as guys. In conclusion, I would say that the
activities
Use synonyms
 of both
gender
Fix the agreement mistake
genders
show examples
 are not very different.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words activities with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "charts" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compare" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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Topic Vocabulary:
  • survey
  • cultural activities
  • leisure activities
  • participate
  • percentage
  • gender difference
  • similar participation rates
  • traditional gender roles
  • trends
  • impact
  • parental influence
  • extracurricular activities
  • accessible
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