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Writing Samples
Band 7

The table below shows causes of injuries in Australia for teenagers and the general population. Summarize the information by selecting and reporting the main features, making comparisons where relevant. Teenagers and the total population: rates of certain injuries Males aged Females Total Total 1 3-19 aged 1 3-19 aged 1 3-19 population Cause rate(a) rate(a) rate(a) rate(a) Total transport accidents 779 323 557 305 Car occupant 232 186 210 124 Motorcyclist 230 20 127 59 Pedal cyclist 210 24 1 20 45 Pedestrian 46 26 36 30 Falls 720 193 463 843 Complications of medical care 340 349 344 1431 Assault 281 80 183 1 19 Accidental poisoning 68 95 82 85 Exposure to heat, smoke, fire 54 17 36 42 All cases (b) 3688 1 765 2750 3712 (a) Cases per 1 00,000 of this group. (b) All cases, includes causes not listed. Some cases can involve more than one cause

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The table illustrates the rates of various
injuries
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 among
teenagers
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 aged 13 - 19 compared with those of the
overall
Linking Words
 population, measured in
cases
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 for 100,000 people.
Overall
Linking Words
,
teenagers
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 were considerably more likely to suffer transport-related
injuries
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, especially males,
whereas
Linking Words
 falls and complications arising from medical care were far more common in the general population. In almost every category, male
teenagers
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 recorded higher injury rates than females. Transport accidents represent the most significant cause of injury among
teenagers
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with
Punctuation problem
, with
show examples
 a total rate of 557
cases
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 per 100,000 compared with only 305 among the
overall
Linking Words
 population. Male
teenagers
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 were particularly affected, reaching 779
cases
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,
while
Linking Words
 the equivalent figure for females was less than half
this
Linking Words
 number at 323. Within
this
Linking Words
 category
car
Punctuation problem
, car
show examples
 occupant
injuries
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 were the most common among
teenagers
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 at 210
cases
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, followed closely by motorcyclists and pedal cyclists at 127 and 120
respectively
Punctuation problem
, respectively
show examples
. Pedestrian
injuries
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Linking Words
by
Punctuation problem
, by
show examples
contrast
Punctuation problem
contrast,
show examples
 were
relativey
Correct your spelling
relatively
 uncommon at just 36
cases
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.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "overall".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words injuries, teenagers, cases with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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