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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Chart A below shows the rate of oil consumption (in millions of barrels) in a small country from 1950 to 2010. Chart B shows the number of people employed in the oil industry in that country, and also the rate of unemployment throughout the country over the same time.

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The line chart illustrates the
Use synonyms
number
Check wording
amount
show examples
 of
oil
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 in a
little
Correct word choice
small
show examples
 country between 1950 and 2010. The table provides data
of
Change preposition
on
show examples
oil
Use synonyms
 employment and national unemployment during the same years.
Overall
Linking Words
,
oil
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 and the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
employed in
Use synonyms
oil
Correct article usage
the oil
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 industry increased over
the
Correct article usage
apply
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time,
while
Linking Words
percentage
Correct article usage
the percentage
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 of
unemployment
Replace the word
unemployed
people
Use synonyms
 gradually
decline
Wrong verb form
declined
show examples
 from 1950 to 2010.
According to
Linking Words
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
chart A, annual
oil
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 started at 20 million barrels in 1950. At the same
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms
 of
emloyed
Correct your spelling
employed
people
Use synonyms
 was 1000. In
1960
Punctuation problem
1960,
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figures
Use synonyms
 for
oil
Use synonyms
consumption
Use synonyms
 in the line chart rose slightly
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 after
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 they returned to the previous level in 1970. The same pattern can be seen in the table, which shows the
number
Use synonyms
 of
people
Use synonyms
 employed in
Use synonyms
oil
Correct article usage
the oil
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 industry.
Subsequently
Linking Words
, the
number
Use synonyms
 of
oil
Use synonyms
 usage increased to 40 million barrels. After
that
Add a comma
that,
show examples
 the
figures
Use synonyms
 increase steadily and
reached
Wrong verb form
reach
show examples
 the peak
at the end
Linking Words
 of the period. As for
table
Correct article usage
the table
show examples
, indicators
also
Linking Words
 rose during the period and reach the peached a
peck
Correct your spelling
peak
 of 3100 in 2010. Turning to
unemployment
Correct article usage
the unemployment
show examples
 rate,
figures
Use synonyms
 decreased, with a slight fluctuation between 1950 and 1960. They started at 4% in 1950 and rose to 4.1% in 1960. After that, the
figures
Use synonyms
 went down and fell to their lowest point 1.6% in 2010. It
is
Verb problem
apply
show examples
was almost two times lower
Linking Words
then
Use the right word
than
show examples
 the
figures
Use synonyms
 for employed
people
Use synonyms
.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, oil, consumption, people, figures with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "number of" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "table" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "figures" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 5 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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