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Writing Samples
Band 5

Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for child’s mental health. To what extent, do you agree or disagree?

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Throughout the
last
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 several years,
children
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 addicted to
TV
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 and
video
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games
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 have become one of the biggest concerns that juveniles are facing. Some individuals argue that these
activities
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 negatively impact
children
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's mental
health
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.
While
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 there are potential drawbacks, I firmly disagree
as if
Correct word choice
that
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such
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activities
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being
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, when
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 consumed under
moderation
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moderation,
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 can offer significant benefits to their mental
health
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.
To begin
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 with,
TV
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 and
video
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games
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 can be used as a mild learning method for juveniles. Most of the shows and
video
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games
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 always insert an objective to teach their audiences some lessons which the
children
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 could absorb without them knowing. These alternative learning processes can improve the juvenile skills
such
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 as problem-solving, strategic thinking, creativity and positive thinking without stressing them
out
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out,
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 as
the
Correct article usage
apply
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traditional study did which may affect their mental
health
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.
Therefore
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, if these entertainments are being led by their parents'
moderations
Check wording
moderation
show examples
 and proper guidance, it will become a
non stressful
Correct your spelling
non-stressful
 technique of learning
to
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for
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 the juvenile.
Although
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children
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 watching
TV
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 and playing
video
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games
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 seem like a beneficial development.
However
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,
this
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 development can put the
children
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 at risk of developing depression
by
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due to a
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 lack of exercise and communication.
Nevertheless
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, in recent years, various
games
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 and
TV
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 show companies
released
Verb problem
have released
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 programs and policies to encourage their audience to move more.
In other words
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, there are
video
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games
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 and
TV
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 programs that
design
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are designed
show examples
 to get the
children
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 moving by blending entertaining storylines with direct calls to action
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as workouts or stretching routines that are easy for the juvenile to follow. Some
video
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games
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 are designed to focus on being active
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such
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, such
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 as Just Dance, Dance Central or Wii-fit.
In addition
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, some
video
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games
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 have mechanisms that will force players to take a break if they
were
Wrong verb form
are
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 playing the
games
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 for too long. These add more
diversity
Replace the word
diverse
 entertainment
to the
Change preposition
for
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 parents to choose for their child to exercise more and avoid
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
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 of movement. In conclusion, some people argue that these
activities
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 negatively impact
children
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's mental
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health
Punctuation problem
health,
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 as these
activities
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 can put the juvenile at risk of developing depression
by
Change preposition
due to a
show examples
 lack of exercise and communication.
However
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, I completely disagree with the statement because
TV
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 and
video
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games
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 can be used as an entertaining learning method
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 some programs are designed to encourage them to be more active.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say you disagree, but some lines make the reader stop and think again.
task response
Answer the full question in each body part. Keep linking your ideas to mental health, not only to learning or exercise.
task response
Some ideas are good, but a few are too broad. Add one clear reason and explain it in a direct way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear 4-part shape: intro, 2 body parts, and end. This helps the reader follow your work.
coherence and cohesion
Be careful with linking words. 'Although' and 'However' are used together in one sentence, and this is not correct.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are long and hard to follow. Split them into shorter parts so each idea is easy to read.
coherence and cohesion
Use pronouns and key words more clearly. Sometimes 'this development' or 'these activities' is not fully clear.
task response
You give a clear opinion and keep it in the essay.
task response
You use real examples like Just Dance and Wii Fit. This makes your point stronger.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present and match the topic well.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, which is good for essay order.
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