IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Children who are brought up in families that do not have large amounts of money are better prepared to deal with the problems of adult life than children brought up by wealthy parents. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion?

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I do agree to the statement that
children
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 brought up in poor
families
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 are better prepared to deal with the
problems
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 of
adult
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life
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 than
children
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 brought up by wealthy parents.
Children
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 of poor parents are prematurely exposed to the
problems
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 of
adult
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life
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eg.
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, e.g.,
 learning to survive on a low family income, and sacrificing luxuries for essential items. These
children
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 begin to see the 'realities' of
life
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 in their home or social environment. Their parent's own struggles serve as an example to them. These
children
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 are taught necessary skills for survival as
an
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adults
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adult
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 from a very early age. Many
children
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eg
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, e.g.,
 work
in the
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at
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 weekends or
holidays
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during holidays
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 to either collect some pocket money or even contribute to their
families
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' income. A good example is the many
children
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 who accompany their parents to sell produce at the market. They are making a direct contribution to their
families
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 in terms of
labor
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labour
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 or income.
Children
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 of poor
families
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also are
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are also
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 highly motivated. They tend to set high goals to improve their economic situation. A relevant example would be Mr Bill Gates (founder of Microsoft Corporation)
He
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. He
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 had an impoverished background
but
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, but
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 he used his talent and motivation to set up the
worlds
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world's
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 largest computer organisation.
However
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, there are some
problems
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 that
children
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 from poor backgrounds do encounter. Many of these
children
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 who are 'robbed' of their childhood
eg
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, e.g.,
while
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 working, may feel cheated. They often turn to crime.
This
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however
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, however
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, is a small group. In summing up,
children
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 with impoverished backgrounds are able to deal with
problems
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 of
adult
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life
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 because of early exposure, family role models and sheer motivation.

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task response
Answer both sides more. You agree, but you should also show why some rich children can deal with adult problems well.
task response
Give a clearer main idea in each body part. Some ideas are good, but a few need more detail.
task response
Use examples with care. The Bill Gates example is not strong here because it is not clearly linked to your main point.
coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas smoother. Some parts jump fast from one point to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Use full words like 'for example' instead of 'eg' in formal writing.
coherence and cohesion
Add one more sentence to explain the risk of crime point, or remove it if you cannot support it well.
task response
You clearly state your opinion at the start and keep it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear beginning, body, and ending.
coherence and cohesion
Most body parts focus on one main idea, such as early life lessons and strong motivation.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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