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Writing Samples
Band 5

A big salary is much more important than job satisfaction. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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People
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 have become more selective about when it comes to their wages and how they feel when they are at
work
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.
While
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 some individuals believe that an enormous amount of income is more significant than their
job
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 well-being, I strongly agree that
job
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 satisfaction plays a crucial role in
people
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's
lives
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 because it directly affects their mental health and their
work
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performance
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, which money cannot compensate for.
This
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 essay will elaborate on my position with relevant arguments and examples. On the one hand, salary is a fundamental pillar of
employees
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'
lives
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, providing them to cover their needs.
This
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 is because they have to pay their bills, rent and shopping expenditures to continue their
lives
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. If their wages cannot meet these needs, there is no longer a possibility to survive.
As a result
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, they feel like getting lost, and they become a homeless person.
Therefore
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, salary is a significant indicator that shows
people
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 whether they can afford to live.
For instance
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, an increase in costs of living triggers
people
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 to
complaint
Replace the word
complain
 about their salaries, and companies try to increase their budget to attract high-profile
employees
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.
However
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,
job
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 satisfaction has a great impact on
employees
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'
lives
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 and
work
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performance
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. Given that when
employees
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 finish their tasks or
work
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, they expect to feel
like fresh
Replace the word
refreshed
 and satisfied.
This
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 feeling creates a state of mind with great enthusiasm, allowing
employees
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 to focus on their tasks and responsibilities. The lack of focus and enthusiasm triggers
people
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 to face mental health conditions
due to
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the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 lack of interest.
This
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 focus can lead to success, allowing them to be noticed by their managers and enabling them to be promoted
due to
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 their high
performance
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. To illustrate, workers who feel satisfied demonstrate higher
performance
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 than their colleagues because they willingly
work
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 rather than seeing
work
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 as a mandatory task.
Consequently
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, having
work
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 fulfillment
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
employees
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lead
Verb problem
apply
show examples
to become
succesful
Correct your spelling
successful
 and increase their
performance
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. In conclusion,
although
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 salary plays a crucial role in building an affordable life, I firmly maintain that
job
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 satisfaction contributes significantly to
people
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's mental health and
work
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 efficiency because they can complete their tasks in a short time
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 they can take on more responsibility
due to
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 high motivation.
Linking Words
This
Fix the agreement mistake
These
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 feelings return as
fulfillment
Change the spelling
fulfilment
show examples
, enabling
employees
Use synonyms
 to be promoted and noticed by their managers.

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task response
Make your main view more clear in all parts of the essay. You say you strongly agree, but one body part gives a lot of space to salary.
task response
Add more direct support for your key idea about job satisfaction. Explain more clearly why it is more important than money.
task response
Use one strong real example or a more clear made-up example to support your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas in a more smooth way. Some lines feel hard to follow because the grammar breaks the flow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one clear topic in each body part. Some sentences repeat the same point in different words.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words well, like first, also, however, as a result, and in conclusion.
task response
You answer the question and give a clear opinion in the introduction and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
task response
You give reasons about money, mental health, and work results, so your ideas are not empty.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • remuneration
  • financial security
  • motivation
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • fulfillment
  • work-life balance
  • stress levels
  • mental well-being
  • job security
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