IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Many young people now spend a large amount of time playing video games. Why has this become so popular? What effects does this have on their lives?

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In recent years gaming industry sales have touched the sky. By playing video
games
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, teens spend a large amount of
time
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 in that.
This
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 aspect has shown a popularity among the adolescence , and it has a negative effect on their lives. Which I will discuss in
upcoming
Correct article usage
the upcoming
show examples
 paragraphs. Examining the fact that
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 popularity of some online
games
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 have influence the younger generation to get addicit to it.
This
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 is because playing
such
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games
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 generates money by streaming online on platforms like YouTube, Twitch and many more.
This
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 is consider as easy way of making wealth. Many influencers use
this
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 technique to gain popularity and encourage the youth to play.
Also
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,
this
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 generation implemented only
such
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 things which are popular among all.
For instance
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, there is data from YouTube, that after the online streams, many other individuals started to play and stream to get famous.
Although
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,
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apply
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 talking about the effects on a personal life would have many positive and negative sides. But
primarily
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primarily,
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 there are more drawbacks than advantages.
To begin
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 with, the health would be in danger if an individual plays for a
longer
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long
time
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. There are problems like eye strain and
weight
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 gaining by sitting all day. The harmful rays from the monitor screen make your eyes dry and itchy. Adding to
this
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, the
the
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apply
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issue of
weight
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 gain is serious because it
weakenss
Verb problem
weakens
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 your movement ability.
For example
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, many gamers have noticed
weight
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 build up after playing regularly for a
a
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apply
show examples
longer
time
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.
To conclude
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 and share my point, there are many people, especially youth , who spend a lot of
time
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 playing online
games
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.
This
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 is because many content creators create hype among society to become popular and generate money from it.
This
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 all has a huge disadvantage on individual health
and
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, and
show examples
 issues related to
eye
Correct article usage
the eye
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 and
weight
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 occur in the long term.

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task response
Overall score: 5. Your ideas are on topic, but the first question needs more full reasons. Add points such as easy phone access, fun with friends, and games that give quick rewards.
task response
Explain each main idea more fully. For example, say how online videos make young people want to copy famous players, then give one clear example.
task response
Your effects part is mostly about health. Add other effects too, such as less sleep, less study time, or less time with family and friends. You may also mention one good effect, like fun or better problem solving.
task response
Some examples are too general. Instead of saying “many gamers have noticed”, give a more direct example: “A student who plays until late may feel tired at school the next day.”
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part focus on one main point. Body 1 can be only about reasons for popularity. Body 2 can be only about effects on life.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler and clearer topic sentences. For example: “Video games are popular for three main reasons.” Then explain those reasons in order.
coherence and cohesion
Some links are not natural, such as “Examining the fact that” and “Although, talking about”. Use simple links: “First”, “Another reason”, “As a result”, and “However”.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat the same idea about money and being famous too often. Add a new point before moving to the next paragraph.
task response
You answer both questions: why games are popular and how they affect young people.
task response
You give clear health effects, such as eye pain and weight gain.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “For instance”, “Also”, and “To conclude”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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