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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some countries spend a lot of money to make bicycle use easier. Why is this? Is this the best solution to traffic congestion?

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Introduction
It is clear that
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 travel jam has become seriously problem in many nations.
Therefore
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, I firmly believe that produce the bicycle rather than heavy vehicles is the best solution to avoid
bottleneck
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bottlenecks
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.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, in the past, our ancestors rode horses in order to shorten the distance until the invention of wheels.
Thus
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, gridlock was not a big problem for society. As the number of cars increased, shipment congestion became a major problem. So,
crowd
Correct article usage
the crowd
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 began to spend more money on bicycles rather than vehicles to escape the hassle of
profusion
Check wording
congestion
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.
Besides
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, bodies can not only avoid traffic rubber-necking, but
also
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 improve their health by riding bicycles.
Body paragraph 2
Moreover
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, despite the positive impacts of cycling, if travelers us buses or trains rather than their private car, the number of cars will decrease dramatically.
For instance
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, some countries have announced gifts for
person
Check wording
people
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 who
uses
Correct subject-verb agreement
use
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 public transport on a daily basis.
As a consequence
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,
such
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 countries' areas do not suffer from service jams. Using fewer private vehicles can help protect the environment, since transportation emits toxic carbon dioxide.
Conclusion
To sum up
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,
while
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 communities would love to use their private vehicle, I personally believe that cycling is the best way to protect the environment, and using public transport can save people the hassle of being stuck in traffic jams.

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Task response
Answer both questions more fully. Explain why governments spend money on bike use, such as less traffic, better health, and cleaner air. Then give a clear view on whether bikes are the best answer, or only one part of the answer.
Task response
Keep your main view the same from start to end. The first part says bikes are the best answer, but the last part says buses and trains can help too. Say how these ideas work together.
Task response
Use clearer examples. The example about gifts for public transport is useful, but explain what happens: more people take buses, so fewer cars are on the road.
Coherence and cohesion
Use one clear idea in each body part. The first body part should explain why bike use is made easier. The second should answer if this is the best way to cut traffic.
Coherence and cohesion
Make links between ideas more clear. Words such as “Therefore”, “For example”, and “However” can help, but make sure the next sentence directly follows the one before it.
Coherence and cohesion
Some words make the meaning hard to follow, such as “shipment congestion”, “traffic rubber-necking”, and “service jams”. Use simple, clear words like “traffic jams”, “many cars”, and “busy roads”.
Task response
You give a clear view that cycling can cut traffic and help the environment.
Task response
You also include public transport as another useful way to reduce the number of private cars.
Coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
Coherence and cohesion
You use linking words such as “To begin with”, “Moreover”, “For instance”, and “To sum up” to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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