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Band 4.5

Some people believe that university students should focus on studying subjects that will lead to high-paying careers, such as science, technology, or business. Others argue that students should be free to study whatever subjects they prefer, regardless of future job prospects.

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Introduction
Many university students prefer studying subjects that they want, even with the consequences, and even though it is considered a gamble. But if they choose the other option, it will be much easier in the future.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, studying a major that you love makes it easier not only to learn
,
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apply
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 but
also
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gives
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to give
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 you personal satisfaction. Most students who take
this
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 daring step know it is hard, and not everyone succeeds in life.
However
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, it is a great experience for those who want to know how it will work, especially since many companies nowadays employ people for experience rather than degrees.
This
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 makes studying what you want a good choice, even if it is risky.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, studying a major
that is
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 in demand by many companies is a better choice because you can secure a job and ensure that your future is safe. There are both positive and negative aspects to
this
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. One negative is that you may need to study something you do not personally prefer, which makes it difficult to study.
However
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, the positives are more effective for the future, because
while
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few
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a few
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 students think about their long-term career, most just think about graduating from university.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I respect both opinions because each one has its own advantages and disadvantages.
However
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, I prefer the second option because nowadays, finding a job with a major you love has become difficult and stressful.

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task response
Make your view clear in the first part. Say early that students should choose subjects with good job chances, while still giving space to the other view.
task response
Give more full support for each main point. For example, explain how a subject a student loves can lead to better work, skills, or new jobs.
task response
Use a real or clear made-up example. For instance, a student who studies art may work in design, while a student who studies computer science may find work more quickly.
task response
Be careful with broad ideas such as “many companies employ people for experience rather than degrees”. Explain when this is true and how students can get that experience.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first part more direct. The line “if they choose the other option, it will be much easier in the future” is not clear because “the other option” is not named.
coherence and cohesion
Use topic sentences that show the point of each body part. For example: “Studying a subject you enjoy can help you work harder and learn more.”
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas inside each body part more smoothly. Do not move too fast from loving a subject to companies wanting experience; add a sentence that shows the link.
coherence and cohesion
The point about “few students think about their long-term career” needs more support. Explain why this matters for their choice of subject and future work.
coherence and cohesion
In the ending, restate your main reason in a clear way: job safety is more important to you because it can give students money and a stable future.
task response
You discuss both views and clearly give your own view at the end.
task response
Your main ideas stay on the topic: personal interest, work, and future safety.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending.
coherence and cohesion
You use clear links such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “However”, and “In conclusion”.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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