IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Professional sports person are often idolized by the youth. Some people think that they, therefore, have a responsibility to be role models at all times for children. Do you agree or disagree?

✍️ Want to check your own essay?Write on this topic →
Introduction
It is widely argued whether professional players in
sports
Use synonyms
 should have an accountability to consistently become role models for
children
Use synonyms
 or whether it is unnecessary.
While
Linking Words
athletes
Use synonyms
, as part of
public
Correct article usage
a public
show examples
 figure,
does
Verb problem
apply
show examples
have to act
responsibly infront of the camera
Correct word order
in front of the camera responsibly
show examples
, I believe excessive burden on
this
Linking Words
 matter may distract them from their main career,
such
Linking Words
 as focusing on their performances on the field.
Body paragraph 1
Professional
Correct article usage
A professional
show examples
sports
Use synonyms
 person possesses the ability to inspire young folks to positively contribute to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society. When someone they admired do positive activities for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society,
children
Use synonyms
 may be motivated to copy the behaviour.
For example
Linking Words
,
athletes
Use synonyms
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 widely known to give donations to the charities, and the youth tend to do the same and donate to the local charities.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
public
figure
Fix the agreement mistake
figures
show examples
, professional players have the responsibility to demonstrate positive examples. Since their daily life may be exposed through social media, anyone from any age
groups
Fix the agreement mistake
group
show examples
 can watch them. By showing their healthy lifestyle, young people can learn from them and implement the same
habit
Check wording
habits
show examples
 gradually.
While
Linking Words
 professional
Use synonyms
sports person
Fix the agreement mistake
sportspeople
show examples
 have several
accountabilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
 to be idol for the youth, excessive responsibility can negatively affect their life.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
athletes
Use synonyms
' lives are not merely for social media content.
Sometime
Rephrase
Sometimes
show examples
, doing things
that
Linking Words
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 considered inappropriate for
children
Use synonyms
,
such
Linking Words
 as drinking or partying, can trigger negative
judgements
Correct your spelling
judgments
 from the public.
This
Linking Words
 is particularly because
such
Linking Words
 activities can influence
children
Use synonyms
 negatively.
For instance
Linking Words
, throwing a after-game-party, with alcoholic drinks involved, can expose
children
Use synonyms
 to negative curiosity.
Moreover
Linking Words
, as professional players, they should prioritise their game
instead
Linking Words
 of
public
Correct determiner usage
their public
show examples
image
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 maintaining
positive
Correct article usage
a positive
show examples
image
Use synonyms
 is necessary, excessively shaping their life to potray perfect role model figure is dangerous.
This
Linking Words
 is especially because it can turn their focus away from
excercising
Correct your spelling
exercising
 to
less-necessary
Correct article usage
a less-necessary
show examples
 content-making activity.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 professional
athletes
Use synonyms
 should maintain a relatively good public
image
Use synonyms
, caring
to
Use the right word
too
show examples
 much
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 their
image
Use synonyms
 can hurt their performance in the long run.
Thus
Linking Words
, I partly agree that
sports
Use synonyms
 person has the responsibility as role models for the young folks by showing them positive examples.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
Make your main view more direct in the first part. Say clearly that you partly agree, and state the limit: players should be good public examples, but they still have a right to a private life.
task response
Keep each point close to the question. The idea that public duties take time away from training is useful, but explain why this means they cannot be role models “at all times”.
task response
Develop your examples more. For the charity example, explain how a child may see the action, learn from it, and then help others in a real way.
task response
Be careful with broad claims. Instead of saying athletes should not focus on public image, say they should not be forced to show a perfect image every day.
coherence and cohesion
Use one clear main idea in each body part. The first body part can focus on why players should set a good example. The second can focus on why this duty should have limits.
coherence and cohesion
Some links repeat the same idea. For example, the first body part says players inspire children and then says they should show good examples. Join these ideas and add a new point, such as the effect of bad public acts.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence match the whole essay. It should restate your view in a short and clear way, without adding a new idea.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer topic sentences. For example: “Sports stars should behave well in public because many children copy them.” Then give the example and explanation.
task response
Your view is clear: sports people should act well in public, but they should not have to be perfect all the time. You give reasons on both sides.
task response
You use clear examples, such as giving money to charities, social media, and parties with alcohol.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. The reader can follow your main line of thought.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “For example”, “Moreover”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help show the links between ideas.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: