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Writing Samples
Band 5

The leaders or directors of organisations are often older people . But some people say that young people can also be a leader . Do you agree or disagree .

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Introduction
It is often
that
Check wording
the case that
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 the top of a leaderboard
leads
Wrong verb form
is led
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 by older
people
Use synonyms
;
on the other hand
Linking Words
, another group of
people
Use synonyms
 believe that the young generation is
also
Linking Words
 suitable to lead a company or institution.
This
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 essay will discuss
more about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
my opinion regarding
this
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 topic.
Body paragraph 1
Older
people
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 are
oftenly
Rephrase
often
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 believed to be the most suitable
person
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 to lead an organisation because they have a lot of experience throughout their life.
For example
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, leaders need to make big decisions when their institutions are facing problems
, the
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. The
show examples
 decisions
that
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apply
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they
made
Wrong verb form
make
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 tend to be better and more promising when an experienced
leader
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gave
Wrong verb form
gives
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 the command, since that person could have
weight
Wrong verb form
weighed
show examples
 the problems, steps required and expectations based on cases that they overcame before.
As a result
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, older
people
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 are more
popular
Correct word choice
likely
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 to be a
leader
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 rather
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then
Use the right word
than
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 the younger
one
Fix the agreement mistake
ones
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, others have the opposite opinion regarding
this
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 problem
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
 they believe that younger individuals are
also
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 suitable to be a
leader
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 because age does not always
reflecting
Wrong verb form
reflect
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 a successful life.
For example
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, there are a lot of young individuals
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
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 became CEOs of their own company when they were young and joined
Forbes
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the Forbes
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 30 under 30. They had proven that they were able to
earned
Wrong verb form
earn
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 a lot of
trusts
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trust
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 and achievements in their 20s and 30s.
According to
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this
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,
people
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 can not stop the young generation
to lead
Change preposition
from leading
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 an organisation, since age can not be an indicator in order to choose a
leader
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, because
a
Correct article usage
apply
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good leadership
came
Wrong verb form
comes
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 from
dedications
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dedication
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 that
people
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made
Verb problem
have made
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, even though they are still young
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that young
people
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 are able to be
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
Use synonyms
leader
Fix the agreement mistake
leaders
show examples
.
Furthermore
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, experience can be earned throughout their career if they are willing to learn. Most importantly,
people
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 can not judge someone else based on their age, because it is not a good enough indicator to
weight
Replace the word
weigh
 all of the possibilities.
Lastly
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, older
people
Use synonyms
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
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 not mean that they are always experienced and able to be a good
leader
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Your view is clear: young people can lead. Say this view more directly in the first part, then keep each main part linked to it.
task response
Your main ideas are good: older people may have more life and work time, while young people can have skill and new ideas. Explain each idea a little more with one clear result.
task response
The Forbes example is useful, but make it more exact. Say what these young people did that shows good leadership, such as making a strong team or growing a business.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an end. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use clearer links between ideas. For example: 'However', 'This means that', and 'For this reason' can show how one sentence leads to the next.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences hold too many ideas. Break them into two or three short sentences so the meaning is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for key ideas. For example, use 'leader' or 'leadership' more often instead of changing between 'top of a leaderboard', 'command', and 'lead'.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view in the end.
task response
You use examples to support your ideas, especially the example of young business leaders.
coherence and cohesion
Each main part has one main idea, which helps the reader understand your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your main view and gives a reason for it.
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