IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 2.5

Small businesses should avoid recruiting young women who do not have their own family in order to avoid paying maternity leave later on. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
Is ofter to argue that small enterprices should recruiting only woman in not reproductive period life to save money,
while
Linking Words
 other believe that all businesses should comply with labor lows, the lastest idea is more reasonable, because the government need to offer job oportunity for all individuals, to develop a health economy, covering all life periods,
furthermore
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 women have to reach rights to relish the some position than men in the job market.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, small shops should hire young women
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 reproductive age, on the grounds
they
Correct word choice
that they
show examples
 need to work
as well as
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 all
member
Fix the agreement mistake
members
show examples
 of society,
in addition
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 government should
guarantte
Correct your spelling
guarantee
 job opportunities for everyone.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, entrepreneurs require
save money
Replace the word
savings
 to increase their incomes
,
Punctuation problem
;
show examples
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
however,
show examples
 they not only should follow the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 rules, but they
also
Linking Words
 should
management proffesionally
Replace the word
manage
 their investment
before
Rephrase
professionally before
show examples
start
Wrong verb form
starting
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 a new establishment.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I strongly believe that all businesses play
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 important role in a community,
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also
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 each one cannot break the
labor
Change the spelling
labour
show examples
 agreements, especially
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
women right
Check wording
women's rights
show examples
.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first part. Say that you disagree with hiring rules based on a woman’s age or family situation.
task response
Explain each main reason in more detail. For example, say why work for women helps families, firms, and the country.
task response
Add one clear example. You could describe a small shop that hires a young woman and gains from her skill and hard work.
task response
The point about firms saving money is useful, but explain why this does not make unfair hiring right. Link it back to the main question.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two body parts, and an ending. Make the link between ideas smoother with words such as “However”, “For example”, and “As a result”.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each body part. The first body part can focus on equal work chances. The second can focus on law and good business planning.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are hard to follow because the word order is not clear. Use short, direct sentences, such as: “Small firms should follow labor law. They should plan for leave costs before they hire staff.”
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words through the essay. For example, choose “small businesses” instead of changing between “small shops”, “enterpreneurs”, and “businesses”.
task response
You give a clear overall view: businesses should follow labor law and give women fair work chances.
task response
You include two useful ideas: equal rights for women and the need for firms to plan their money well.
coherence and cohesion
The essay uses a clear basic order with an opening, body parts, and a final view.
coherence and cohesion
Words such as “Firstly”, “On the other hand”, and “In conclusion” help the reader see the main parts.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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