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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many places large shopping malls are replacing small shops. What are the advantages and disadvantages of this development? Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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Introduction
NOWADAYS, SOCIETIES
DEMANDS
Correct subject-verb agreement
DEMAND
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 INCREASED DAY BY DAY,
THUS
Linking Words
 SMALL
SHOPS
Use synonyms
 ARE OVERTAKEN BY LARGE
SHOPS
Use synonyms
FOR
Change preposition
TO
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 FULLFILL THE NEEDS OF PEOPLE. IT IS HAVING BOTH POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE IMPACTS ON
THIS
Linking Words
 CONSTRUCTION. IN THE
FURTHER
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 PARAGARHS IT WILL BE DISCUSSED.
Body paragraph 1
TO COMMENCE, IT IS SEEN THAT, WITH THE INCREASING NUMBER OF POPULATION DEMANDS FOR FOOD AND DAILY LIVING PRODUCTS, RAISED .
IN ADDITION
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, PUPILS ATTRACT TOWARDS THE BRANDED AND EXPENSIVE
THINGS
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, which ignore the local small
shops
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 .
FOR INSTANCE
Linking Words
, AN ARTICLE WAS PUBLISHED IN THE YEAR 2006, NAMED AS , "HIGH BRANDS, MORE GRANDS", CONDUCTED A STUDY, WHICH SHOWS, MALLS GOT THE TOTAL PROFIT OF 50% WHERE SMALL
SHOPS
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 PROFIT DEPENDS ONLY ON THERE CUSTOMER PURCHASE.
MOREOVER
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, MALL INDUSTRY ATTRACT PEOPLES WITH UNIQUE
THINGS
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 AND IT IS
ALSO
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 EFFECT THE OVERAL GROWTH IN THE GOVERNMENT FUNDS.
Body paragraph 2
SIMILARLY
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, IF WE LOOK AFTER THE LOCAL
SHOPS
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, THEY WERE NOT ABLE TO RUN THERE HOUSE JUST BECAUSE OF THE HIGHLY COMPETITION AMONG THE INDUSTRIES .
HOWEVER
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, THEY EXPORT
THINGS
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 TO THE MALLS , BUT
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 THERE IS NO PROFIT SEEN FOR THEM.
HOWEVER
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, THEY HAVE TO SPEND
EXPENSIVE
Change preposition
ON EXPENSIVE
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THINGS
Use synonyms
 IN A LOWEST PRICE .
ALTHOUGH
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 THERE ARE SOME ADVANTAGES FOR THEM AS
,
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apply
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 CUSTOMERS WHO POURCHASED FROM THEM, FOR A YEAR THEY DID NOT GO TO THE SUPERMARKET FOR THE SMALL
THINGS
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 .
Conclusion
IN CONCLUSION, IT SHOWS MORE MALLS HAVE A POSITIVE IMPACT ON THE NET WORTH OF HIGHER AUTHORITIES
AS
Punctuation problem
, AS
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 IT WILL PAY THEM HIGH TAXES. WHERAS, LOCAL SHOPKEEPERS HAVE TO WANT FOR CUSTOMERS TO SELL THERE ITEMS.

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task response
Answer both parts in a clear way. Write one main paragraph about good points of malls and one main paragraph about bad points for small shops.
task response
Make your ideas more clear. Good points can include more choice, lower prices, and many services in one place. Bad points can include small shops closing, job loss, and less local choice.
task response
Use examples that clearly support your point. The 2006 study is not explained well, so it does not help the reader much. A simple real-life example would be better.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction, advantages, disadvantages, conclusion. This will make the essay easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Start each paragraph with one clear main idea. Do not move from malls to small shops and back again in the same paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in the right way. For example: “On the one hand”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”. Avoid using “however” many times in one paragraph.
coherence and cohesion
Write full, clear sentences. Some parts are hard to understand, such as “population demands for food and daily living products, raised” and “They have to spend expensive things in a lowest price.”
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words clear. Use “their” for shop owners and “there” for a place. Use “small shops” or “local shops” in a steady way.
task response
You discuss both large malls and local shops, so your essay stays on the main subject.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
task response
You try to give an example and explain how malls may help government money through tax.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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