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Band 5

Nowadays, many families move overseas for job opportunities and take their children along with them. Some people think that this is beneficial for children's of the family while other thing children will find it difficult discuss both of youse and give your opinion.

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Introduction
Nowadays, a rising trend of families moving overseas can be witnessed, and the reason for
that is
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 job opportunities. Because of them, children obviously move
along with
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 their parents and find themselves in a completely new environment.
As a result
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, we observe two opposing opinions on the matter of young kids travelling to other countries. First of all, some might say that it is beneficial for them. Wherehas others find it difficult for them to cope with the situation.
Body paragraph 1
On one hand, we can understand why some individuals see the bright side of things. In fact, being subject to a new school and culture can allow young generations to be more adaptable and more curious in life. They will interact with others who probably speak different languages and will
become
Correct word order
therefore become
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therefore
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 multicultural. In a way, we can say that parents actually offer them the opportunity to live
unsual
Correct your spelling
unusual
 experiences, and feel better about the unknown. In my opinion, allowing your
offsrprings
Correct your spelling
offspring
 to encounter a life full of surprises and giving them the chance not to feel
to
Use the right word
too
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 attached to one specific place can
also
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 make them more mature at an age where most young adolescents have different mindsets.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, as much as these situations can help them to
socialize
Change the spelling
socialise
show examples
 better in the future, the effect can
as much
Rephrase
also
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 be the
oppostite
Correct your spelling
opposite
. As a matter of fact, many kids have unspoken fears and don'
t
Use synonyms
 tend to adapt quickly at
first,
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which can have repercussions on their confidence if
this
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 problem isn'
t
Use synonyms
 solved and talked through with responsible adults. Especially if they are part of
expats
Check wording
expats'
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 families who constantly go from one country to another, and
staying only
Wrong verb form
stay
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 for less than a year in each.
This
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 issue may
consist of
Verb problem
be
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 a burden for the child who doesn'
t
Use synonyms
 seem to understand why he always has to build new
friendships
Punctuation problem
friendships,
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while
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 bearing in mind that they probably won'
t
Use synonyms
last
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the general opinion of the impact of job opportunities in foreign countries on children is balanced. Oftentimes, it can be seen as beneficial
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 and wonderful.
This
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 side of things is
also
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 what I support, with having lived these exact situations, I can confidently say that they have helped me grow in a way
that is
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 still beneficial to me up to
this
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 day.
Conversly
Correct your spelling
Conversely
, it is
also
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 comprehensible that other times people tend to think the opposite, meaning they assume the kids can find it difficult to subsist in
such
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 a way.

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task response
You answer both sides and give your own view. Make your view clear in the first part too, so the reader knows your main idea from the start.
task response
Your main ideas are good: a new country can help children learn, but it can also make them feel afraid or alone. Add one clear, real example for each side to make your points stronger.
task response
Some ideas are too wide or not fully clear. For example, explain how a child becomes more open, or how moving many times can hurt school work and close friends.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear shape: first one side, then the other side, then your final view. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep one main idea in each paragraph. In the first main part, focus on learning and new people. In the next part, focus on stress, school, and friends.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. You use 'In fact' and 'As a matter of fact' many times. Try simple links such as 'For example', 'Also', 'However', and 'Because of this'.
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences are hard to follow. Break them into two shorter sentences. This will make your meaning more direct and clear.
coherence and cohesion
Check word form and spelling, as these can stop the reader. For example: 'whereas', 'offspring', 'unusual', 'opposite', 'expat', 'too attached', and 'conversely'.
task response
You discuss both views fairly and clearly say that you support the good side, based on your own life.
task response
The point about children making new friends again and again is relevant and shows good understanding of the problem.
coherence and cohesion
The use of clear paragraph starts, such as 'On one hand' and 'On the other hand', helps the reader see the two sides.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending returns to both views and gives a final personal view, so the essay feels complete.
Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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