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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people feel that entertainers such as film stars, pop musicians or sports stars are paid too much money. Do you agree or disagree? Which other types of job should be highly paid?

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Introduction
Some people might argue that
entertainers
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such
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 as actors, musicians or athletes are paid too much and we should focus on unemployment or other issues in the country. I strongly disagree because most of the time
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entertainers
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, entertainers
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 are getting paid with tickets or sponsorship.
This
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 money is spent willingly by fans, so it does not come from taxes or reduce funding for unemployment and other public services.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
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, musicians and athletes work hard for that money. Most start learning in childhood, and some are pushed into training very young, facing harsh punishment for mistakes. Most
entertainers
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 never earn anything close to the top stars
,
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;
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for example
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, an average footballer can get as much as a teacher.
Furthermore
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, most athletic careers are short and can end at any moment through injury, leaving players with no income and few other skills.
Body paragraph 2
As for other professions, some jobs should have a higher pay
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such
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, such
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 as labourers or
lawyers
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lawyers,
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 because they are physically and mentally exhausting, and with their
wage
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wage,
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 they often cannot afford psychological and physical treatment.
Moreover
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, most labourers earn an hourly wage and work long shifts without receiving adequate compensation or rest. That affects them mentally and physically, and they might lose their jobs. Unemployment can
then
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 lead to addiction and, in some cases, cost them their lives.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I disagree that
entertainers
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 are overpaid, since their income comes from fans and sponsors rather than public money, and most earn ordinary wages.
However
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, labourers deserve far better pay for work that damages their health.

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task response
Give a more direct answer to both parts. You clearly say that stars are not paid too much, but explain more fully which jobs should get high pay and why.
task response
Your point about money from fans is useful, but it does not fully show that very high pay is fair. Add ideas such as skill, risk, short careers, and the large amount of money these people bring to films, music, and sport.
task response
Use clearer real-world examples. For example, compare the long work hours and risk of injury for building workers with the value of their work for people’s daily lives.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear order: your view, reasons for it, other jobs, and a final ending. Keep this plan.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas smoother. The first paragraph says stars should not be paid too much, but the next point about harsh punishment for children feels less connected. Explain how this training leads to skill and later pay.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas need tighter focus. The part about unemployment, addiction, and death is very strong and moves away from the main point about pay. Keep the paragraph mainly about low pay, long hours, health, and fair support.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'Firstly', 'Furthermore', 'Moreover', and 'In conclusion' help, but also use short links like 'because of this', 'as a result', and 'for this reason' to show cause and effect.
task response
You give a clear opinion from the start and keep the same view until the end.
task response
You answer the second part by naming labourers and lawyers as jobs that may need higher pay.
coherence and cohesion
Each main idea has its own paragraph, so the reader can follow your essay easily.
coherence and cohesion
Your ending repeats your main view and returns to the idea of better pay for labourers.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Revenue generation
  • Supply and demand
  • Influence on culture
  • Trendsetters
  • Income disparity
  • Essential workers
  • Critical role
  • Public health
  • Endorsements
  • Economies
  • Compensation
  • Significant contribution
  • Technological advancements
  • Global challenges
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