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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some university students want to leran about other subjects in addition to their main subject.Other believe it is more important to give all their extra time and attention to studying for a qualification.Discuss both views and give your opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
People have different views regarding weather additinal
subjects
Use synonyms
 should
include
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be included
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 or not .
While
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 some learners believe
to study
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in studying
show examples
 optional
subjects
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 ,
other
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others
show examples
 argue that it is
essentisl
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essential
 to maintain focus on main
subjects
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 which contribute to higher
qualification
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qualifications
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will
explan
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explain
both
prospective
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perspectives
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 before I support the latter view.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,supporters of the first view argue that
optional
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an optional
show examples
 subject should
Verb problem
be
show examples
added to learn
other
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other subjects
show examples
Body paragraph 2
extra knowledge and provide
short
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a short
show examples
 break from the main
subjects
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which
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, which
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 allow refresment and
relax
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relaxes
show examples
 their mind before indulging in the main
subjects
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 again.
For instance
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 ,drawing,music and sports are the
subjects
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 where
students
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 can learn other activities which enhance their physical
acitivies
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activities
 and concentration and provide a break from all other hard
subjects
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 .As a
results
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result
show examples
,
students
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 became more attentive and
exited
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excited
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 to focus on
inportant sujects
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important subjects
.
Body paragraph 3
On the other hand
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 ,pupils who are in favour of
study
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studying
show examples
 more even in free time because in universities
students
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 are completely occupied in class
assingment
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assignments
,research and many other activities which are crucial to achieve
a
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apply
show examples
higher marks and
knowlege
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knowledge
.
While
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,
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apply
show examples
 other
subjects
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 are important
Linking Words
Punctuation problem
, however
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however
Punctuation problem
however,
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 when
Body paragraph 4
qualification
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Qualifications
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 provide
a
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apply
show examples
better job
opprtunities
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opportunities
 and
future
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a future
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 career that time
involving
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, being involved
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 in those which are not
relevent
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relevant
 can distract from
main
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the main
show examples
 aim
should
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and should
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 not happen
and
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, and
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 iclude with main
sunjects
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subjects
.
Body paragraph 5
In my opinion ,extra
subject
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subjects
show examples
 are beneficial if we use them for a proper time or just for relaxation .
Additionally
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,these should not
apppy
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apply
 for every
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students
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student,
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 only for
them
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those
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 who want
participate
Verb problem
to participate
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 and learn
Body paragraph 6
more about other streams.Focus on crucial subject which ensure better
qualification
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qualifications
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 for future goal are must to learn.
Conclusion
To conclude
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 ,
although
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,
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apply
show examples
every subect have their own importance in life ,
however
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,the
subjects
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 which are
relates
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related
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 to
future
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the future
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 should be focused
more
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on more
show examples
 because
it
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they
show examples
 ensure a successful career and
proper
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a proper
show examples
life style
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lifestyle
.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view. However, your view is not fully clear because you first support the second side, but later say extra subjects are useful. State one clear view and keep it the same to the end.
task response
Explain why the main subject should come first. For example, say that more time for class work and study can help students get the degree they need for a future job.
task response
Your example of music, drawing, and sports is useful. Make it more direct by showing how one of these can help a student return to study with more energy.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an end. This makes it easy to see your main plan.
coherence and cohesion
Some sentences are too long and have many ideas. Use shorter sentences. Put one main idea in each sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Use clear link words with care: 'On the one hand', 'For example', 'As a result', 'However', and 'In my view'. Do not put a comma after every link word.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same words for the main idea. You use 'optional subjects', 'other subjects', and 'extra subjects'. Choose one term, such as 'other subjects', and use it through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
Make each body part follow a simple order: main point, reason, example, and result. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you present both views and give your own opinion.
task response
The point about sports, music, and drawing giving students a break is relevant and easy to understand.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps the reader see the two different views.
coherence and cohesion
Your conclusion returns to the main issue of study, future work, and career.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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