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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Sugar consumption is two harmful. some says it is a government responsibility to Limit sugar and intake, while other says it is individuals who are responsible. discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
It is
world
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apply
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widely known that
consumption
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 of
sugar
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 is very harmful. Some
individuals
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 believe that cutting off
this
Linking Words
consumption
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 is the responsibility of
government
Correct article usage
the government
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,
while
Linking Words
 others argue that people are responsible
themselves
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for themselves
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. Personally, I think that both factors share their
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 as each play significant role in reducing
sugar
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consumption
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.
Body paragraph 1
Taking into
acount
Correct your spelling
account
 the influence of
Correct article usage
the government
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government
Punctuation problem
government,
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 they could
make
Verb problem
take
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 some actions toward lowering the
sugar
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consumption
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.
Currently
Add a comma
Currently,
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 there are a
big
Correct word choice
large
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 number of advertisement of different
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food
Fix the agreement mistake
foods
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 and
drinks
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 which consist
a
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of a
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big
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large
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 amount of artificial
sweets
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sweeteners
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.
Therefore
Linking Words
, people are more likely to want
this
Linking Words
 unhealthy
food
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 and
drinks
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oftenly
Correct your spelling
often
 rather than when they are not influenced by
advertisement
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advertisements
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.
For example
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,
americans
Capitalize the proper name
Americans
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 tend to consume much more
sugar
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on
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in
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 daily life comparing with europeans.
This
Linking Words
 shows how
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 is taking a portion of
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 for
this
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 trend.
Body paragraph 2
The
individuals
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 are responsible as well because it is mostly their choice
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 depends on personal preferences. Some
individuals
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 do not like snacks and
drinks
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 between main
meal
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meals
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 during the day
Linking Words
while
Punctuation problem
, while
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other
Fix the agreement mistake
others
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 can not imagine a day without
sweet
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a sweet
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 treat.
As a result
Linking Words
, people can have different
food
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 habits because taking care of their health is their own responsibility.
This
Linking Words
 shows how it is mainly
choice
Correct article usage
the choice
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 of
individuals
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 of their
food
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 and
drinks
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 depending on their own cravings and habits.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I still share
an
Correct article usage
the
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 opinion that both parties share their
responsibilty
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 in the solution of reducing
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sugar
Use synonyms
consumption
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, because responsibility can not
lay
Wrong verb form
lie
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 only
at
Change preposition
on
show examples
 one factor

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your view clearly. To make your answer stronger, explain more fully what the government can do, such as put a tax on sweet drinks, limit ads for children, or ask food makers to show sugar on packs.
task response
Your main view is that both sides have a part to play. Say more clearly how these two parts work together. For example, the state can make healthy food easier to buy, but people still choose what they eat.
task response
Use examples that directly prove your point. The example about Americans and Europeans is too general and is not explained. A clearer example would be a tax on sweet drinks that makes some people buy them less often.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main parts, and an ending. Keep this shape, but begin each body part with a direct main idea. For example: “Governments can help reduce sugar use in several ways.”
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat without adding new detail. After each main point, give a reason, then an example, then explain the result. This will make each part easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words more carefully, such as “First,” “For example,” “However,” “As a result,” and “In conclusion.” Do not use “This shows” too often; say exactly what the example proves.
coherence and cohesion
Make the last sentence more direct. Instead of saying responsibility cannot lie with one factor, state that both the government and people must act to reduce sugar use.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you explain the government view, the personal view, and your own view.
task response
Your opinion is clear from the first paragraph and stays the same through the whole essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow because each body paragraph deals with one side of the topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use an introduction and a conclusion, which gives the essay a complete shape.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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