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Band 4.5

In some countries, the number of university students studying science is decreasing. Some people believe the government should encourage more people to take science courses. Other people say that it is private industry's responsibility. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
There is a view that the governmental bodies should inspire a young generation to get knowledges in scientific topics. The significant decreases in some areas are contribute by
this
Linking Words
 reason.
However
Linking Words
, the other number of people are certain that it is
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 unique case and
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 only
Correct article usage
a specific
show examples
specific
Punctuation problem
specific,
show examples
 not
government
Use synonyms
approach
Punctuation problem
, approach
show examples
. In my opinion, young adults have to be supported and provided with education.
Body paragraph 1
In some
countries
Add a comma
countries,
show examples
 a fall
of
Change preposition
in the number of
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 who
wants
Correct subject-verb agreement
want
show examples
 to research
science
Use synonyms
 can be caused by environmental factors.
For instance
Linking Words
, in
Ukraine
Add a comma
Ukraine,
show examples
 the drop was
as the
Change preposition
a
show examples
 result of
war
Correct article usage
the war
show examples
. In
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
dangerous conditions
due to
Linking Words
 the
enemis
Correct your spelling
enemy's
 weapon
inhabitants
Punctuation problem
, inhabitants
show examples
 are living daily. As the results,
students
Use synonyms
 get
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
high levels of stress, a lack of energy and
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
impossible requirements to work on difficult
assignment
Check wording
assignments
show examples
such
Linking Words
 as
science
Use synonyms
. So, the
government
Use synonyms
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 wants
give
Verb problem
to give
show examples
 a chance for
students
Use synonyms
pass
Verb problem
to pass
show examples
 an exam requires an extra-curricular
courses
Fix the agreement mistake
course
show examples
. The support
Use synonyms
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 provides in the future will give an increase
results
Change preposition
in results
show examples
 in
science
Use synonyms
 development.
Body paragraph 2
However
Linking Words
, other individuals think that encouragement from the administration is not good enough for the future development in
science
Use synonyms
 industry.
This
Linking Words
 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 a narrow field demands
an
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 quality teaching approach,
such
Linking Words
 as practice
,
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 analysis from professional tutors. So, the number of pupils
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 not sure what to expect from the ruling body and that make suspicions of excellence.
For example
Linking Words
, the cost of
privet
Correct your spelling
private
 courses
usually
Verb problem
is usually
show examples
 reasonable. Paying for
Correct article usage
the service
show examples
service
Punctuation problem
service,
show examples
 you get a personal tutor who will work with you only. So, comparing two sides, society usually
trust
Correct subject-verb agreement
trusts
show examples
 more
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
 a proven method of getting education.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe it's great to
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 an opportunity to study a topic
the
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 get from the
government
Use synonyms
. The personal
aprproch
Correct your spelling
approach
 is an old method.

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task response
Discuss both sides more fully. Explain what the government can do, such as pay for labs, lower course costs, and give grants. Then explain what companies can do, such as offer work, pay for training, and show students real science jobs.
task response
Make your own view clear from the start and keep it the same. You say young people need support, but the last line says private help is an old method. State clearly whether the government, companies, or both should have the main role.
task response
Use examples that directly fit each view. The Ukraine war example shows why students may stop study, but it does not clearly show why the government, rather than companies, should lead science support.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear four-part plan: introduction, government view, private industry view, and conclusion. Start each body part with one clear main idea.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with simple words such as 'First', 'For example', 'However', 'As a result', and 'Therefore'. Make sure each link shows the right meaning.
coherence and cohesion
Keep the same key words. Do not change from 'university students' to 'pupils', as pupils are usually younger school children. Use 'students' throughout.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences more direct. For example, write: 'The government can give free extra classes to help students pass science exams.' This is clearer than the current sentence about extra-curricular courses.
task response
You answer both parts of the question and give your own view.
task response
You use an example from Ukraine to show a real reason why science study may fall.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has an introduction, two main parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use contrast words such as 'However' and 'For example' to move between ideas.
Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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