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Band 4

Nowadays, an increasing number of young people display anti-social behaviour and a lack of respect for others. What are the causes of this problem? Can you suggest any solutions?

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Introduction
The issue of young
people
Use synonyms
 who display anti-social behaviour and
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of
respect
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 for others has become a significant concern in recent years.It is widely believed that
this
Linking Words
problem
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 is mainly caused by the parents who do not pay attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their children
and
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, and
show examples
 the schools should encourage the students to
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
respect
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for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
others.
This
Linking Words
 situation can have several negative
affects
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effects
show examples
 on individuals and society.
This
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 essay will discuss the main causes of
this
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problem
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 and suggest some possible solutions.
Body paragraph 1
One major cause is that families do not monitor
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 children ,which can lead to
unrespect
Correct word choice
disrespectful
show examples
 young
people
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.
This
Linking Words
 is because young
people
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sholud
Correct your spelling
should
 have someone who care of them .
For example
Linking Words
,if a child
do
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does
show examples
 not focus on his education,he will be
unsuccessful
Correct article usage
an unsuccessful
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 person in the future.Another contributing factor is
the
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that the
show examples
 schools do not support their students to
respect
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 each other.
Therefore
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,
this
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 issue needs to be addressed before it becomes more widespread.
Body paragraph 2
There are several measures that could be taken to tackle
this
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problem
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.One
affective
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effective
show examples
 solution is
concentrate
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to concentrate
show examples
 on the young
people
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,which would help by
make
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making
show examples
 young
people
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 more responsible for themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
,if a girl
have
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has
show examples
 an exam and her mother
tell
Correct subject-verb agreement
tells
show examples
 her to study alone,the girl will be successful in the future.Another possible solution is that
school
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schools
show examples
 should encourage their children to
respect
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 each other.If these measures were properly implemented,
tehy
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they
 could significantly improve the situation.
Conclusion
To sum up
Linking Words
,the young
people
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 who display anti-social behaviour and lack of
respect
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 for others are
pressing
Correct article usage
a pressing
show examples
 issue caused by
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
by
Verb problem
paying
show examples
 attention
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 them and
do
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
not
support
Wrong verb form
supporting
show examples
 them.By adopting the solutions
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
which experienced above ,
this
Linking Words
problem
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 can be reduced
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 a better outcome can be
achive
Correct your spelling
achieved
.

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task response
You answer both parts of the question: causes and solutions. However, some ideas do not clearly explain anti-social acts or a lack of respect. Give direct causes, such as little time with parents, bad friends, or too much violent online content.
task response
Make each main idea clearer. Explain how a cause leads to bad behaviour, then give a real example. For example, a child with no clear rules at home may not learn to respect other people.
task response
Your examples are mostly about doing well at school. These examples do not strongly support the topic. Use examples about rude talk, rule breaking, bullying, or helping young people learn respect.
task response
Your solutions need more detail. Say what parents and schools should do: spend time with children, set clear rules, talk about good behaviour, and act quickly when students bully others.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: opening, causes, solutions, and ending. Keep this form, but make the link between each sentence more clear.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main point. Then explain it, give an example, and say why it matters. This will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words in a more natural way. Words such as 'because', 'as a result', 'for example', and 'therefore' can show cause and result. Do not use a link word if the next sentence does not fully support it.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating broad phrases such as 'young people' and 'this problem' too often. You can also use 'teenagers', 'children', 'this issue', or 'such behaviour' when the meaning is clear.
task response
You give both causes and solutions, so the essay responds to all parts of the question.
task response
You focus on parents and schools, which are important parts of young people's lives.
coherence and cohesion
The opening tells the reader what the essay will discuss, and the ending returns to the main topic.
coherence and cohesion
You use paragraph breaks and some linking words, such as 'For example', 'Therefore', and 'To sum up'.
Your opinion

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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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