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Band 5.5

In mordern times, children are spending less time with their families and more time with their friends. 1. Why has this change occured? 2. Do you think parents should force their children to spend more time at home?

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Introduction
In today’s fast-paced world,
children
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 are spending less
time
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 with their families and more
time
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 with their
friends
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. I believe that modern lifestyles, particularly the increasing pressure on
parents
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 to
work
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 longer hours, are a major reason for
this
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 change.
However
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,
parents
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 should not force their
children
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 to stay at home;
instead
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, they should encourage a healthy balance between family
interaction
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 and friendships.
Body paragraph 1
One of the major factors contributing to the reduction in the amount of
time
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children
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 spend with their families is the increasing financial pressure faced by many households.
Parents
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 often have to devote more
time
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 to
work
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 in order to cover household expenses, leaving them with fewer opportunities and less energy to interact with their
children
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.
As a result
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,
children
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 may naturally turn to their
friends
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 for companionship and social
interaction
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.
For instance
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, in countries
such
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 as Iran, the rising cost of living can require both
parents
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 to
work
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 long hours, reducing the amount of
time
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 they can spend communicating with their
children
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.
Therefore
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, financial pressure and demanding
work
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 schedules can contribute significantly to the decline in family
interaction
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.
Body paragraph 2
However
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, I do not believe that
parents
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 should force their
children
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 to spend more
time
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 at home. Excessive restrictions on
children
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's social lives may prevent them from developing important interpersonal skills through
interaction
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 with their peers. Spending
time
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 with
friends
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 allows
children
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 to encounter different personalities, perspectives and experiences, which can help them develop communication, problem-solving and decision-making skills.
For example
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, when
children
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 participate in group activities with their
friends
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, they have to communicate, resolve disagreements and cooperate with others. These experiences can help them become more independent and socially confident.
Instead
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 of imposing strict limits,
parents
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 should
therefore
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 create opportunities for meaningful family activities
while
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 allowing their
children
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 to maintain healthy friendships.
Conclusion
In conclusion, modern lifestyles, particularly financial pressures and demanding
work
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 schedules, are important reasons why
children
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 may spend less
time
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 with their families.
Nevertheless
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,
parents
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 should not force their
children
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 to stay at home. A balanced approach that combines meaningful family
interaction
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 with healthy relationships with
friends
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 is more likely to support
children
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's
overall
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 development.

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task response
Answer both questions clearly, as you do now. To make the first answer even stronger, add one more cause, such as phones, games, school work, or after-school groups. This would show a wider view of the issue.
task response
Your view is clear: parents should guide children, not force them. You could explain more about what a healthy balance looks like, for example, shared meals, a family day each week, or set times for talking.
task response
Your Iran example fits the point well. If possible, make it more exact by showing how long work hours affect a child’s day at home.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear path: reason, view, then ending. Keep this plan in future essays because it makes your ideas easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Your link words, such as “As a result”, “For instance”, “However”, and “Therefore”, work well. Try not to use “children” too many times in close sentences; use “they” when the meaning is clear.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph repeats the main view well. You may make it a little shorter by not repeating all the same points from the body paragraphs.
task response
You deal with both parts of the question and give a clear, steady view from the first paragraph to the end.
task response
The main ideas are well explained: work pressure can reduce family time, while time with friends can help children grow.
coherence and cohesion
Each body paragraph has one main idea, clear support, and a useful example.
coherence and cohesion
The opening and ending are clear and match each other, so the essay feels complete.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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