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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people argue that it is not wise for an industry to replace its experienced but old worker with new and young yet inexperienced individuals. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Introduction
It is widely
recognized
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recognised
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 that
companies
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 start to replace their experienced
elder worker
Fix the agreement mistake
older workers
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 with a new young individual.
This
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 issue has generated significant discussion regarding
to replace
Wrong verb form
replacing
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 its experienced elderly employee with a
young
Punctuation problem
young,
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 inexperienced employee.
While
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 some argue that
companies
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 should
maintian
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maintain
 with their old worker , I largely
maintian
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maintain
 that refreshing the
industry
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 with new and young developers will improve the state structure ,and
this
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 essay will examine both aspects to provide a comprehensive perspective.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, there is a compelling argument concerning the huge change in the
industry
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 employment structure ,from old to young employees. The primary reason for
this
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 is that the
industry
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 reached
it
Correct determiner usage
its
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 limits in producing ideas .
As a result
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, they started to change the body structure of their company from
old
Correct article usage
an old
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 and dusty concept to
modern
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a modern
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 concept by
changing
Verb problem
replacing
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 their old employees to young ones. A clear illustration of
this
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 can be seen in the developed
companies
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 in various spheres that carried postive impact on any country, which highlights the practical impact of
this
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 situation.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, another crucial factor to consider
that
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is that
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 some issues could happen
while
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 changing the old
individuals
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employees
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 to new
employees
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ones
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.The issue is that elders have much data and information that created
there
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their
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 experience that
missed with
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of
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young ones that lead to
futural
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future
financial problems .
This
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 is mainly
due to
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 the fact that the new generation
have
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has
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 the ability to manage the development process ,but
don't
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doesn't
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 have enough experience to manage all kinds of financial problems.
Consequently
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,
this
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 obstacle could be easily solved by adding
up to the team one or two experienced workers
Correct word order
one or two experienced workers to the team
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 to manage the financial problems.
For instance
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, recent studies in various industrial spheres
acclaimed
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claimed
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 that many
companies
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' did the strategy demonstrate that they achieved
better
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a better
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 balance between fast evolving and money management.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
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 all kinds of strategies have there privilegies and drawbacks ,it is equally important to acknowledge
about
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apply
show examples
the importance of changing the old concept and give younger
individuals'
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individuals the opportunity
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 to prove their ability of managing future
even
Punctuation problem
, even
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 though we still need some experience . Ultimately, I firmly believe that young
adults
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adults'
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 work management
have
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has
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 a good impact on the whole
industry
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.

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task response
State your view more clearly in the first paragraph. Say if you agree, disagree, or agree only in part. Keep this same view in every paragraph.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and a real example. The example about “developed companies” is too wide. Name one kind of work, such as health care, banking, or car making, and explain what happened.
task response
Your first body paragraph says young staff bring new ideas, but it does not explain why this is more important than the skill of older staff. Add a fuller explanation.
task response
Your second body paragraph has a useful idea: older workers can help with money and hard work problems. Explain how mixed teams can share skill and new ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simpler plan: introduction with your view; one paragraph on young workers; one paragraph on older workers; then a short conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
Start each body paragraph with one clear main idea. For example: “Young workers can bring new ideas and new skills.” Then give reasons and an example.
coherence and cohesion
Make the link between ideas clearer. Use words such as “However”, “For this reason”, “As a result”, and “For example” only when the next sentence truly follows from the last one.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid repeating the same idea about changing old workers to young workers. Instead, compare the two groups and explain why a mix may work best.
coherence and cohesion
The conclusion should repeat your main view in simple words. Do not add a new idea there. Say clearly whether firms should replace older staff or keep both age groups.
task response
You answer both sides of the issue: young workers may bring change, while older workers have useful skill and knowledge.
task response
You give a practical answer by suggesting that firms keep one or two experienced workers in the team.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion, so the reader can follow the main shape of your answer.
coherence and cohesion
You use some linking words, such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, “Consequently”, and “In conclusion”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • invaluable knowledge
  • professional networks
  • business development
  • mentorship
  • training opportunities
  • fresh ideas
  • adaptable
  • new technologies
  • up-to-date education
  • dynamic workforce
  • well-rounded workforce
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