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Band 4.5

The graph below gives information about the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US between 1960 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The graph below gives information about the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US between 1960 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.
The line graph provides key information about
figure
Check wording
the number
show examples
 of
jobs
Use synonyms
 in four fields of
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States economy between 1960 and 2020. The units are measured in numbers. The graph illustrates that there are four job categories,
as
Correct word choice
namely
show examples
 manufacturing, retail, agriculture and healthcare. In
1960
Punctuation problem
1960,
show examples
 manufacturing job numbers were the highest among other sectors. The numbers reached
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
15
million
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
, and gradually increased to reach its peak in 1980.
Whereas
Linking Words
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 sector was lowest number under 5
million
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
healthcare
Correct article usage
the healthcare
show examples
 sector witnessed a high increase to reach almost 15
million
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
 by 2020.
In addition
Linking Words
, the line graph shows that
retail
Correct article usage
the retail
show examples
 sector significantly increased between 1960
to
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 2000 to 15
million
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
, and the
last
Linking Words
 decade witnessed
a
Remove the redundancy
apply
show examples
a consistent increase.
While
Linking Words
agriculture
Correct article usage
the agriculture
show examples
 field showed the lowest rate, in 1960
jobs
Use synonyms
 were 5 millions, and slightly decreased during the years to under 3
million
Use synonyms
jobs
Use synonyms
 by the year of 2020.

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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Add more body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Write more paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words jobs, million with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "information" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 3 times.
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