IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries where there is high rate of unemployment, most students should be offered only primary education. There is no point in offering secondary education to those who have no hope of finding a job. To what ex

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Introduction
In some nations, the high
level
Use synonyms
 of unemployment
make
Correct subject-verb agreement
makes
show examples
 people contemplate
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
whether it is still necessary to send children to middle school or accept even
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
level
Use synonyms
 of
education
Use synonyms
 in consideration of the potential expenses and the return rate. I strongly disagree with
this
Linking Words
 conclusion as
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
level
Use synonyms
 of
education
Use synonyms
 will bring people inconceivable benefits.
Body paragraph 1
It is undeniable
those
Correct word choice
that those
show examples
 who have finished their
Use synonyms
study
Check wording
studies
show examples
 or who have never had the chance to accept any
education
Use synonyms
 may have started to work at an early age. Compared with those who spend years
yo
Wrong verb form
studying
show examples
study
Use synonyms
, they may have accumulated a large amount of fortune already when their
countparts
Correct your spelling
counterparts
 graduate and newly get into the
job
Use synonyms
 market.
Nevertheless
Linking Words
, their jobs
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
largely
possible
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
rely
heavily
Rephrase
apply
show examples
on physical labour and strength or the working environments are flooded with noise, heat, dust, or
pullution
Correct your spelling
pollution
.
Body paragraph 2
In terms of
who
Correct determiner usage
those who
show examples
 have devoted themselves to
lenthy
Correct your spelling
lengthy
study
Use synonyms
 at secondary school or university, they may develop their
expertises
Check wording
expertise
show examples
, skills,
leaderships
Check wording
leadership
show examples
, and critical thinking abilities to equip themselves during the
study
Use synonyms
 period and build up their relationship networks
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 will be conducive to their career aspiration. Even though they may start to seek
for
Change preposition
a
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 late
,
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
however
Linking Words
, they will have more opportunities to get
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
job
Use synonyms
 offers. Based on related studies, the top 500 Fortune prefer candidates who own higher
level
Use synonyms
 of diploma. In
this
Linking Words
 sense,
who
Correct pronoun usage
those who
show examples
 have
got
Verb problem
apply
show examples
a good
education
Use synonyms
 are more likely to have
chance
Correct article usage
a chance
show examples
 to work in the leading
investing
Replace the word
investment
 banks and
at
Change preposition
in
show examples
 important positions.
Accordingly
Linking Words
, they are more
possible
Correct word choice
likely
show examples
 to be affluent compared with those who
accepted
Verb problem
received
show examples
 poor
education
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, even though the low
empolyment
Correct your spelling
employment
 rate in some areas
leave
Correct subject-verb agreement
leaves
show examples
 people thinking that it would be a waste to accept
high
Correct article usage
a high
show examples
level
Use synonyms
 of
education
Use synonyms
. I would say
higher
Correct article usage
a higher
show examples
level
Use synonyms
 of
education
Use synonyms
equip
Correct subject-verb agreement
equips
show examples
 graduates with more professional knowledge, critical thinking abilities and solid relations and thereby provides them with more opportunities to get a more decent
job
Use synonyms
 and an affluent life. For these reasons, I do not agree with the assertion that secondary
education
Use synonyms
 is useless at all.

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task response
Your view is clear: you do not agree that children should stop after primary school. Keep this clear view, but explain more fully why school is good even when jobs are hard to find.
task response
Your first main point says that people who leave school early may earn money sooner, but may have hard and unsafe work. Add a direct link: this is why giving only primary school is not fair or wise.
task response
The point about better jobs after more study is useful. However, the claim about big firms and banks is too broad and has no clear proof. Use a simple, real example instead, such as a student who learns health care or teaching skills and can work in many places.
task response
Also discuss what schools can do when there are few jobs: teach work skills, help young people start small work, or prepare them for jobs in other areas. This would answer the question in a more complete way.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and an ending. This makes it easy to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first body part clearer. It begins with people leaving school early, but the main idea is not stated at the start. Begin with one clear line, such as: "Leaving school early may bring money sooner, but it can limit a person's future work."
coherence and cohesion
Use shorter sentences. Some sentences have many ideas and become hard to follow. For example, split the sentence about skills, work, and social links into two or three short sentences.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. "Even though" and "however" should not usually be used together in the same sentence. Choose one. Also, make sure each new point follows from the one before it.
coherence and cohesion
Check word forms and spelling because they can make links between ideas less clear. Examples include "years to study", "counterparts", "pollution", "lengthy", "employment", and "relations".
task response
You give a direct opinion from the start and keep the same view through the whole essay.
task response
You use two useful reasons: more study can lead to safer work and can build skills for future jobs.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear four-part shape: introduction, two body parts, and conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
The last paragraph restates your main view and brings your key ideas together.
Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • unemployment rate
  • primary education
  • secondary education
  • job prospects
  • critical thinking
  • entrepreneurship
  • self-employment
  • social inequalities
  • societal progress
  • personal development
  • civic awareness
  • self-esteem
  • workforce
  • investment
  • industries
  • fundamental right
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