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Writing Samples
Band 3.5

Some people argue that sending criminals to prison is the best method of dealing with them. However, others believe that education and job training are better way to help them. Discuss both views and give your opinion

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Introduction
Some people believe that
incarcenation
Correct your spelling
incarceration
 of lawbreakers in
detention
Add an article
a detention
show examples
 centre is the most common way to overcome
this
Linking Words
 issue.
While
Linking Words
 others say that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 giving them training and knowledge
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 good for them. In
this
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 essay
I
Punctuation problem
, I
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will explain both the views in
balanced
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a balanced
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 approach.
Body paragraph 1
On one side, people consider that the right place for offenders is
cell
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a cell
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.
Because they
Correct word choice
They
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 create fear in society in many ways.
For instance
Linking Words
, by the abduction of children and in compensation, they demand ransom from their parents. Meanwhile,
set
Wrong verb form
setting
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 them free will be ridiculous as they will commit
crime
Check wording
crimes
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 again and again.
However
Linking Words
, living away from families will
taught
Wrong verb form
teach
show examples
 them a lesson to not do anything against
law
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the law
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in many Arab countries, police take action immediately as
its
Correct pronoun usage
it's
show examples
 important for societal
Body paragraph 2
peace.
Body paragraph 3
On the other side,
group
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a group
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 of individuals think that providing necessary skills and knowledge is another technique. The governments can make arrangements in detention centres to teach them skills
such
Linking Words
 as
plumbering
Use the right word
plumbing
show examples
, electrician and more. Providing the facility of vocational programms divert their mind from crime to gain valuable skills.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, many developed countries has setup prison school as where they do training regarding
to
Correct determiner usage
a
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 profession.
Lastly
Linking Words
, moral lessons will
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
prove more beneficial for criminal behaviour.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 both
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views are commonly held among people, locking
in
Correct pronoun usage
them in
show examples
 prison and
given
Wrong verb form
giving
show examples
 them knowledge
are
Verb problem
apply
show examples
seems to be
effective
Add an article
an effective
show examples
 way for their correction.

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task response
You discuss both sides and give your own view at the end. However, your own view is not clear enough. Say which way you think is better, or say that both should be used together, and explain why.
task response
Add more clear support for each main idea. For prison, explain how it keeps people safe and stops more harm. For training, explain how work skills can help people find jobs after prison and not break the law again.
task response
Some examples are too short or not fully clear. The example about Arab countries ends in the middle. Use one full example for each side and explain how it proves your point.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part plan: start, one side, the other side, and end. Make the first paragraph clearer by saying that you will discuss both views and give your opinion.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words more carefully. Do not begin ideas with words such as “Meanwhile” or “However” unless they show a clear link. Simple links like “First,” “Also,” “On the other hand,” and “As a result” will make your ideas easier to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph focused on one main point. In the prison paragraph, move from public safety, to repeat crime, to the effect of prison in a clear order. In the training paragraph, give skills, then jobs, then less crime.
coherence and cohesion
Make your last paragraph more direct. State your final view in one clear sentence, then briefly say why.
task response
You answer both parts of the question by writing about prison and about training and education.
task response
You use relevant ideas, such as public safety, repeat crime, work skills, and moral lessons.
coherence and cohesion
Your main body has two clear paragraphs, with one paragraph for each view.
coherence and cohesion
You use some helpful signposts, such as “On one side,” “On the other side,” and “In conclusion.”
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • Incarceration
  • Deterrent
  • Rehabilitation
  • Recidivism
  • Job training
  • Vocational programs
  • Cost-effectiveness
  • Criminal justice system
  • Reintegration
  • Correctional facilities
  • Restorative justice
  • Social reformation
  • Penal institution
  • Public safety
  • Community service
  • Criminal behavior
  • Reoffending
  • Support networks
  • Life skills
  • Carceral state
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