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Band 4.5

The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.

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The diagrams below show the stages and equipment used in the cement making process, and how cement is used to produce concrete for building purposes.
The illustration depicts the production of
cement
Use synonyms
, which is an ingredient of concrete used in construction.
Overall
Linking Words
, when both
gathered
Verb problem
are gathered
show examples
 together, processes involve 4 steps, to be specific, formation of powder, mixing and heating it
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
show examples
 rise to
creation
Add an article
the creation
show examples
 of
cement
Use synonyms
, and the way concrete comes out. In the initial stage, two raw materials, namely, limestone and clay get blended together only to
transfer
Wrong verb form
be transferred
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 into
power
Check wording
powder
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 through the crusher. After that,
obtained
Add an article
the obtained
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 power is
being
Wrong verb form
apply
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mixed and poured
to
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the rotating
heater
Punctuation problem
heater,
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 where heat is given to boil it. Once
this
Linking Words
 stage is completed,
final
Add an article
the final
show examples
 element converts to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cement
Use synonyms
, and
Linking Words
finally
Verb problem
is finally
show examples
 packed
to the
Change preposition
into
show examples
 bags. The procedure
then
Linking Words
 moves on to the production of concrete, a material used to eradicate residential buildings. In
this
Linking Words
 step, four components
incorporated
Verb problem
are incorporated
show examples
 simultaneously.
While
Linking Words
 only 15% of
cement
Use synonyms
 and 10% of water
was
Correct subject-verb agreement
were
show examples
 needed to add, 25% and 50% was correct for the sand and the gravel(which are tiny stones), respectively.
Finally
Linking Words
, all fundamentals get stirred together inside a concrete mixer, resulting in the emergence of the concrete.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "finally".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words cement with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 4 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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