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Band 4.5

some people think that students should focus on science and technology rather than arts subjects. To what extent do you agree or disagree

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Introduction
In today's world,
science
Use synonyms
 and
technology
Use synonyms
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 become more and more advanced. These two
critria
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criteria
 could help
humility
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humanity
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 tackle
problems
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e.g.
Punctuation problem
, e.g.
show examples
 Global Warming, limited resources and medical
problems
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.
However
Linking Words
, some critics
sugguested
Correct your spelling
suggested
 that
students
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 nowadays should
also
Linking Words
 focus on arts
subject
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subjects
show examples
. In my opinion, to a large
extent
Add a comma
extent,
show examples
 I agreed
the
Correct word choice
that the
show examples
 benefits of studying
science
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 and
technology
Use synonyms
outweighted
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outweighed
show examples
 the importance of
art
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 subjects. In
this
Linking Words
essay
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essay,
show examples
 I will compare the benefits of studying both types of
subject
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subjects
show examples
 and explain why
students
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 should focus more on
science
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 and
tehnology
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technology
.
Body paragraph 1
To begin
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 with, studying
science
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 and
technology
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 could improve
student's
Check wording
students'
show examples
 problem-solving skills.
This
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 subject is
geniunely
Correct your spelling
genuinely
 about 'using the resources that we have to create a solution that we have not reached yet.
For instance
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,
students
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 could learn how to mix different chemicals to make a new solution to tackle
with
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apply
show examples
specific
problems
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. In that way, when
students
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 are trained to solve a problem with limited
resource
Check wording
resources
show examples
, they will instantly think of the solution
by
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own.
This
Linking Words
 ability of solving
problems
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 quicl;y could make them see things more
objective
Replace the word
objectively
 and
precise
Replace the word
precisely
 in the future.In
this
Linking Words
 technological era, as AI could help people to do small and
repitative tesks
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repetitive tasks
, it becomes more urgent to study how to use
technology
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.
Linking Words
Therefore
Punctuation problem
Therefore,
show examples
students
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 could learn how to use AI tools to help them deal with hard technical or environmental issues. It is believed that focusing on
science
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 and
technology
Use synonyms
 could make
students
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be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
more adaptive to
modern
Add an article
the modern
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 world and
equipped
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equip
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 them with
foundational
Add an article
the foundational
show examples
 skills needed in
this
Linking Words
 AI era.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, critics
states
Correct subject-verb agreement
state
show examples
 that studying
art
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 is equally important for
students
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 as it can help develop
student's
Check wording
students'
show examples
 ability to appreciate things in our world. Especially in
this
Linking Words
 fast-paced city, Hong Kong
students
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 often find
effiency
Correct your spelling
efficiency
 and pace important.
This
Linking Words
spoon-taking
Use the right word
spoon-feeding
show examples
 education system trained them to memorise things that
essential
Verb problem
are essential
show examples
 for future
job
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jobs
show examples
, or even unrelated to their interest.
However
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,
according to
Linking Words
Hong
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the Hong
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 Kong people Happinesss survey, the
students
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 who studied
art
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 happier than 34% of
students
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 who studied
science
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 and
technology
Use synonyms
. It is evidenced that studying
art
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 could
let
Verb problem
help
show examples
students
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to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
learn how to appreciate nature.
Students
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 who focused on
art
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studeis
Correct your spelling
studies
 often
empasised
Correct your spelling
emphasised
 the concept of enjoying every moment in life
while
Linking Words
 studying the background of different
artwork
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artworks
show examples
 and
artist
Fix the agreement mistake
artists
show examples
. It
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 them to create a sense of understanding
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 history and reason behind
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
human development.
Linking Words
Thus
Punctuation problem
Thus,
show examples
art
Use synonyms
 is equally important for
students
Use synonyms
.
Conclusion
In comparison, focusing
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science
Change preposition
on science
show examples
 and
technology
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 is more useful for
students
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 as it could
also
Linking Words
 make
students
Use synonyms
 more adaptive and not easily
get illimilated
Verb problem
assimilated
show examples
 by the AI replacement.
Students
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 could
also
Linking Words
 learn
ow
Correct your spelling
how
 to use
tecnology
Correct your spelling
technology
 to help them learn more about the background of
Art
Use synonyms
. In
this
Linking Words
 way, to a large
extent
Add a comma
extent,
show examples
students
Use synonyms
 should focus on
science
Use synonyms
 and
technology
Use synonyms
.

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task response
Make your main view more clear from the start. You say science and technology are more important, but you also say art is equally important. Explain that both matter, while science and technology should get more time.
task response
Build each main point with one clear reason, a full explanation, and one example. For example, explain exactly how science study helps people deal with climate change or health problems.
task response
Be careful with facts from surveys. The Hong Kong survey is not fully explained, and the meaning of “happier than 34%” is not clear. Use a simple, clear example instead, or explain where the fact came from.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clear plan: introduction, one paragraph on science and technology, one paragraph on art, and a final paragraph that gives your view again. Your essay mostly has this plan, but the last paragraph is too short.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each paragraph on one main idea. In the first body paragraph, problem solving and AI are both useful ideas, but they need a clearer link or two separate paragraphs.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple link words in a natural way: “First”, “For example”, “However”, “As a result”, and “In conclusion”. Also leave a space after full stops, such as “future. In” not “future.In”.
coherence and cohesion
Check key words and sentences for clear meaning. For example, write “humanity” not “humility”, “arts subjects” not “art subject”, and “technology can help students learn about art” not “learn more about the background of Art”.
task response
You answer both sides of the question and give your own view. Your focus on problem solving, AI, and the value of art is relevant to the topic.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two body paragraphs with different views, and a final paragraph. Phrases such as “To begin with”, “On the other hand”, and “In comparison” help the reader follow your ideas.
coherence and cohesion
You try to explain your points rather than only list them. The examples about climate change, medical problems, and AI give your writing a useful real-world focus.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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