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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

In many countries today there are many highly qualified graduates without employment. What factors may have caused this situation and what, in your opinion, can / should be done about it? Give reason for your answer a

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Introduction
In recent years,
unemplyment
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 has become a social crisis
among
Change preposition
in
show examples
 many countries.
Individual
Fix the agreement mistake
Individuals
show examples
 with post-graduates or above in urban counties cannot seek jobs. I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 view.
This
Linking Words
 crisis
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 mainly
due to
Linking Words
 the
adancement
Correct your spelling
advancement
 of AI and population.
Body paragraph 1
The primary reason for unemployment is
population
Add an article
the population
show examples
.
This
Linking Words
 is simply because, without
marriagement
Correct your spelling
marriage
, there are fewer pregnant women and affect some industries in certain ways.
For instance
Linking Words
,
education
Add an article
the education
show examples
 industry. When the
borning
Correct your spelling
birth
 rate dropped, there
are
Wrong verb form
were
show examples
 fewer students
back
Wrong verb form
returning
show examples
 to
schools
Check wording
school
show examples
. Having not enough
registraters
Replace the word
registrars
, many schools will close down. It may be
due to
Linking Words
 the financial problem,
for example
Linking Words
, having not enough money to pay for salaries and
runnung
Correct your spelling
running
 the school. These issues
brings
Correct subject-verb agreement
bring
show examples
 out a big crisis. Teachers are highly qualified graduates
but
Punctuation problem
, but
show examples
 they
still
Verb problem
are still
show examples
 unemployed.
Body paragraph 2
Prior to
this
Linking Words
, the advancement of AI is
also
Linking Words
 one of the reason of unemployment.
This
Linking Words
 is simply because, doing most of the jobs that humans can do, Al's work quality is better than human. In
this
Linking Words
stuation
Correct your spelling
situation
,
ceos
Capitalize the proper name
CEOs
show examples
 prefer to use AI rather than
human
Check wording
humans
show examples
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, the cost of using
Al
Use the right word
AI
show examples
 models is highly
cheeper
Use the right word
cheaper
show examples
 than human. The reason is some of the big company has to pay income
to
Check wording
tax to
show examples
 thousands of
employments
Check wording
employees
show examples
 each month.
Comparing
Wrong verb form
Compared
show examples
 to Al models, they only need to pay the fee monthly or yearly.
This
Linking Words
 safes enormous amount of money. If I were the ceo of a company, I
will
Wrong verb form
would
show examples
 choose to use Al
instead
Linking Words
.
Therefore
Linking Words
, the advancement of
Al
Correct your spelling
AI
 will cause people
umemployed
Wrong verb form
to be unemployed
show examples
.
Conclusion
In conclusion, the rising rate of unemployment
drawed
Wrong verb form
drew
show examples
 our
awarenesses
Correct your spelling
attention
. If the government fold their arms,
this
Linking Words
 problem will only escalate. The government can release the appropriate policies
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 that help the unemployed people to get through the difficult time.

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task response
Answer both parts in a more direct way. Explain why many well-trained people cannot find work, then give clear steps that can help. Your main causes are AI and low birth rates, but the link between low birth rates and all graduates is too small.
task response
Develop each cause with a clear chain: cause, result, and example. For example, say that AI can do some office and basic computer work, so firms need fewer new workers. Then explain which new skills people can learn.
task response
Your last paragraph needs more than help money. Add steps such as free job training, help for small firms to hire new staff, and school courses that teach skills needed now.
task response
Do not say “I completely agree with this view” because the question does not give a view to agree with. State your plan for the essay instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use a clearer four-part plan: introduction, causes, actions, and conclusion. At present, the two body parts explain causes, but the action part is very short.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first line of each body paragraph show its main idea. Then keep all later lines on that one idea. The paragraph about population moves from marriage to birth rates, schools, money, and teachers too fast.
coherence and cohesion
Use simple linking words with care: “First”, “For example”, “As a result”, “However”, and “Therefore”. Avoid “Prior to this” here; “Another cause” is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. Write “AI”, not “Al”, and write “unemployment” or “job loss” each time. This helps the reader follow your ideas.
task response
You give two clear possible causes: changes in AI and fewer children. You also include a government role in the final paragraph.
task response
The example about schools having fewer students shows an attempt to explain how a social change can lead to job loss.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has an introduction, two main body paragraphs, and a conclusion. This gives the writing a basic clear shape.
coherence and cohesion
You often try to show cause and result with words such as “because”, “for instance”, and “therefore”.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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