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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph below gives information about the number of jobs in four sectors of the economy in the US between 1960 and 2020. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features, and make comparisons where relevant.

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The line graph illustrates data for different
jobs
Use synonyms
 in four categories of
economy
Add an article
the economy
show examples
 in the US
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 1960
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 2020.
Overall
Linking Words
, the presented data show four types of
jobs
Use synonyms
namely
Punctuation problem
, namely
show examples
, manufacturing, retail, agriculture and healthcare.
In
Change preposition
At
show examples
 the beginning of
1960
Add a comma
1960,
show examples
 all
jobs
Use synonyms
 presented low numbers except for manufacturing presenting the highest
level
Use synonyms
 at 15
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
.
At the end
Linking Words
 of 2020, all
jobs
Use synonyms
 presented
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
level
Use synonyms
around
Change preposition
of around
show examples
 15
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
 except for agriculture, it accounts
the
Change preposition
for the
show examples
 lowest
level
Use synonyms
 at around 2
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, the retail job presented a steady increase in
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
 from 1960 to 2000 before its going slightly higher
reaching
Punctuation problem
, reaching
show examples
 16
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
.
Similarly
Linking Words
, healthcare
starting
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 from almost 3
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
 until it
reaches
Wrong verb form
reached
show examples
 the peak
at
Change preposition
of
show examples
 16
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
at the end
Linking Words
 of
period
Add an article
the period
show examples
 in 2020.
In contrast
Linking Words
, manufacturing began with 15
millions
Use synonyms
 reaching its peak in 1980 before it fell
down by
Change preposition
to
show examples
 around 14
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
. The agriculture started as same
as
Check wording
way as
show examples
 retail until it showed
slightly decreased
Replace the word
a slight decrease
 in
1980
Punctuation problem
1980,
show examples
then
Linking Words
 continued at the same
level
Use synonyms
finishing
Punctuation problem
, finishing
show examples
 up with around 2
Use synonyms
millions
Check wording
million
show examples
.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "at the end".
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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words jobs, level, millions with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "presented" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "show" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "data" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "around" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "slightly" was used 2 times.
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