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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The increasing use of credit cards has led to a rise in personal dept. Some people argue that this is a problem that needs to be addressed, while others argue that it is a necessary part of modern life. Discuss both sides of this argument and give your own opinion.

4.5 / 9
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Introduction
Nowadays, more and more cardholders are in debt, because of using their cards
for buying
Wrong verb form
to buy
show examples
 their personal needs. For some
people
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 can be a problem that
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
show examples
 to be solved
,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
however
Linking Words
, others consider
this
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 as
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 essential part of modern life. For me,
this
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 can be
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 essential part in
people
Use synonyms
's lives to not
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
make them live without essential
machines
Use synonyms
 in their homes. I can discuss both views and my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
 in more depth in
next
Add an article
the next
show examples
pargraphs
Correct your spelling
paragraphs
.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand,
banks
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 can stop
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 option of buying and paying later via their cards in some
Use synonyms
websities
Correct your spelling
websites
. Currently,
people
Use synonyms
 can buy any product they need online from
websities
Use synonyms
 with paying later via their
banks
Use synonyms
. These
products
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 can be
clothe
Replace the word
clothes
, shoes or skin
products
Use synonyms
. So, it is easy to scroll in
websities
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 and buy anything, if
people
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 do not have
money
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 feature may attract a lot of
people
Use synonyms
.
As a result
Linking Words
, they end up in personal
dept
Correct your spelling
debt
.
This
Linking Words
 may be solved by
banks
Use synonyms
.
Banks
Use synonyms
 can stop
this
Linking Words
 option
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 online
Use synonyms
websities
Correct your spelling
websites
.
Then
Linking Words
, if
people
Use synonyms
attracted
Verb problem
are attracted
show examples
 to any personal items without having
Use synonyms
money
Correct determiner usage
enough money
show examples
, they might wait until
having
Wrong verb form
they have
show examples
 enough
money
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 for them.
Concequently
Correct your spelling
Consequently
, many
people
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 may be more likely
to
Wrong verb form
apply
show examples
not
be
Verb problem
to be
show examples
 in personal dept for personal
products
Use synonyms
.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
trend
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 may allow modern
people
Use synonyms
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not to
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lack
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
necessities. Before
this
Linking Words
trend
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,
people
Use synonyms
 who did not have
money
Use synonyms
 to buy a new stove, if the old one was damaged. Those
people
Use synonyms
 probably used to live without
stove
Add an article
a stove
show examples
 for a period until they
have
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 enough
money
Use synonyms
 to buy a new one. During
this
Linking Words
 period, those
people
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 may find it hard to cook or do other
necessarily
Correct word choice
necessary
show examples
 tasks related to
this
Linking Words
. Generally,
this
Linking Words
 would have to happen to other
necessarily
Correct word choice
necessary
show examples
 home
machines
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also
Linking Words
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, now,
this
Linking Words
 may not occur, for
people
Use synonyms
 at the time of damaging any of necessarily
machines
Use synonyms
 in homes.
This
Linking Words
 is because they
may
Verb problem
apply
show examples
are likely to use their cards to buy a new machine right away.
As a result
Linking Words
, they might not face hardships
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 doing any of
home
Correct determiner usage
their home
show examples
 tasks, if any of
essential
Add an article
the essential
show examples
machines
Use synonyms
 in their houses were damaged.
Conclusion
In conclusion,
Linking Words
Although
Fix capitalization
although
show examples
this
Linking Words
trend
Use synonyms
 can permit
people
Use synonyms
 to be in debt, because
the
Change preposition
of the
show examples
 permission
of buying
Wrong verb form
to buy
show examples
 any
products
Use synonyms
 online from
Use synonyms
websities
Correct your spelling
websites
. In my
opnion
Correct your spelling
opinion
,
this
Linking Words
trend
Use synonyms
 can be
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 essential part
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 modern
people
Use synonyms
's lives to not
to be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
lack
of
Correct determiner usage
the
show examples
 necessities
needs
Check wording
apply
show examples
.

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task response
You discuss both views and give your own view, but your view needs to be clearer. Say at the start that card use is useful for real needs, but it can cause debt when people buy things they do not need.
task response
Develop the first side more fully. Explain why debt is a serious problem, such as high bank fees, stress, and money trouble for families. Then explain why stopping all pay-later choices may not be the best answer.
task response
Your example about a broken stove is useful. Make it more real: a family may need a stove at once, but they should pay back the card bill in small planned steps.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear four-part form: start, first view, second view, and end. Make the main point of each part clear in its first sentence.
coherence and cohesion
Do not repeat 'As a result' many times. Use other simple links, such as 'For this reason', 'Also', 'However', and 'In contrast'.
coherence and cohesion
Keep each idea in one clear line. For example, first explain easy online buying, then explain how it leads to debt, and then give the bank or user action.
coherence and cohesion
The end should sum up both sides in a direct way. Avoid adding a new idea there. State that credit cards are helpful for needs, but users and banks must control spending.
task response
You answer all parts of the question: you show the problem of debt, the need for cards in modern life, and your own view.
task response
The broken-stove example clearly shows why a card can help people buy an important home item when they have no cash.
coherence and cohesion
The use of 'On the one hand' and 'On the other hand' helps the reader see the two sides of the argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are both present, so the reader can follow the full shape of your essay.
Word Count

IELTS says that you should write a minimum of 250 words in writing task 2. If you go under word count you will lose marks in task response.

A very long essay will not give you a higher band score.

Aim for between 260 to 290 words in writing task 2. This will ensure a concise essay and will be realistic in terms of time management. You have only 40 minutes to write the essay and you need around 10 minutes of planning time, so you will not be able to write a long essay in 30 minutes.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • personal debt
  • high-interest rates
  • easy access to credit
  • impulsive spending habits
  • financial mismanagement
  • financial stress
  • overall quality of life
  • essential part of modern financial systems
  • convenience and security for transactions
  • reward points
  • cashback
  • fraud protection
  • financial literacy
  • responsible credit usage
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