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In some countries, it is illegal for companies to reject job applicants for their age. Is this a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In some regions, it is illegal for firms to reject people who need to
work
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
because of
show examples
 their
age
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.
This
Linking Words
 can be a positive development when
kids
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 are more able to gain skills that are beneficial for them in their future.
Besides
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 may prevent some
kids
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 from participating illegally in some
jobs
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 to
have
Verb problem
make
show examples
 money.
Body paragraph 1
Firstly
Linking Words
, some illegal
work
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 for
kids
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 may be stopped
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
as a result
Linking Words
 of
this
Linking Words
. Sometimes, low-income families'
children
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 may
do
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not have enough money to cover their needs for school and other needs. So, if they needed
work
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, they might go to
a
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 illegal one.
This
Linking Words
 is because they are not
eligable
Correct your spelling
eligible
 to
work
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,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 if they
under
Verb problem
are under
show examples
 the legal
age
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 for
work
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.
Then
Linking Words
, illegal
jobs
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 for
children
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 in some poor areas can increase
as a result
Linking Words
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, for regions that do not have a legal
age
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 for
work
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, it is less likely for
children
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 to
work
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 illegally.
Therefore
Linking Words
, low-income families'
kids
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 can apply for companies, even if
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jobs
Add an article
the jobs
show examples
 are part-time. They may be able to
have
Verb problem
make
show examples
 money legally from
this
Linking Words
.
Consequently
Linking Words
, illegal
jobs
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 for
children
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Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as selling inappropriate substances or other may decline for
children
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.
Body paragraph 2
Secondly
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 may be an
opportinuty
Correct your spelling
opportunity
 for
children
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 to
work
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 and learn useful skills for the future. For countries that enable
anyone
Punctuation problem
anyone,
show examples
 regardless of
he is
Fix the agreement mistake
their
show examples
age
Use synonyms
to
Punctuation problem
, to
show examples
work
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. To consider that populations are increasing year by year. With
this
Linking Words
numbers
Check wording
number
show examples
 of citizens who
are
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 graduated from universities.
Therefore
Linking Words
, companies may require past experience from applicants
beside
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 their certificates.
Then
Linking Words
 in
such
Linking Words
 countries,
kids
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 may
work
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 from an early
age
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 legally to gain
work
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Use synonyms
experiences beside
Rephrase
experience besides
 their school time.
This
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 is useful
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 because they may find it easy to find
jobs
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 after their graduation.
This
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 is because
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 they have worked before and have had past
experiences
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.
As a result
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,
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 rates may decline
duo
Use the right word
due
show examples
 to
opportinuties
Correct your spelling
opportunities
 to
work
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 from an early
age
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 and
gaining
Rephrase
gain experience
experiences
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, countries
that is
Linking Words
 illegal to reject applicants, because of their
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age
Punctuation problem
age,
show examples
 may enable
kids
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 to
work
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 legally from an early
age
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. So, they may not participate in illegal
jobs
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,
Add a semicolon
;
show examples
besides
Linking Words
, they are able to gain
experiences
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 to
differ
Verb problem
differentiate
show examples
 them from other applicants when they are older. So, they may find it easier to find
jobs
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 when they are older, because they have past
experiences
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.
This
Linking Words
Linking Words
also can
Correct word order
can also
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 decrease the
unemployement
Correct your spelling
unemployment
 rates that happen because companies
requireing
Correct your spelling
require
 past
experiences
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 from
universities
Check wording
university
show examples
 graduation.

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task response
Your main view is clear: you see this law as a good change. However, the essay changes the topic from age bias in hiring to children being allowed to work. The question is about companies refusing people because they are too old or too young. Keep your ideas on fair hiring for all age groups.
task response
Explain why age should not be the main reason for a job choice. For example, an older worker may have strong skills and long work experience, while a younger worker may bring new ideas and learn fast. A company should choose the person who can do the job well.
task response
Use examples that fit the question more closely. You could describe an older worker who is refused a job even though she has the right skills, or a young adult who is refused only because of age.
task response
Be careful with your first point. A law against age bias does not mean that children can do any job. Many jobs should still have age rules for health, safety, and school. State this limit clearly if you write about young people.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two main body parts, and a conclusion. This is a good base. Make each body part start with one direct main idea, then explain it, then give one short example.
coherence and cohesion
Some ideas repeat many times, such as children getting work experience and finding jobs later. Say the point once in a clear way, then add support instead of repeating it.
coherence and cohesion
Use linking words with care. Words such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'For example', 'However', and 'As a result' can help, but only when the next sentence clearly follows from the last one.
coherence and cohesion
Make sentences shorter and more complete. For example, change 'For countries that enable anyone regardless of he is age to work' to 'In countries where age is not used to refuse applicants, young people may be able to get part-time work.'
coherence and cohesion
Check key word forms and small grammar points, as they can make your meaning hard to follow: 'an illegal job', 'eligible', 'if they are under', 'due to', 'unemployment', and 'work experience'.
task response
You give a clear positive view from the start and keep this view in the conclusion.
task response
You try to show results of the law, such as more work experience and less need for unsafe or illegal work.
coherence and cohesion
The essay is easy to follow at a high level because it has an introduction, two body parts, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use some useful signposts, such as 'Firstly', 'Secondly', 'In contrast', and 'In conclusion', to guide the reader.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • age diversity
  • combat age discrimination
  • job opportunities
  • experienced individuals
  • vast knowledge
  • suboptimal hiring decisions
  • legal compliance
  • reverse discrimination
  • operational costs
  • health insurance
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