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Band 4.5

Nowadays, some workplaces tend to employ equal numbers of men and women. Do you think it is a positive or negative development?

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Introduction
In the modern workplace, recent
development
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developments
show examples
 show that
same
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the same
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 composition of
men
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 and
women
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that is
Linking Words
 need to be employed is more familiar. Many companies tend to make
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
diversification of their
employee
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 based on their performance rather than their gender.
However
Linking Words
, some field institutions still prioritize man as
an
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employees
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employee
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due to
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 their physical strength and the tradition of
men
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itself
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themselves
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 as
a
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apply
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job
seeker
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seekers
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, so if
women
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is
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are
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 appointed to be
an
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employees
show examples
Use synonyms
employee
Punctuation problem
employee,
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 it will
impact
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 on institutions performance. In
this
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 regard, these two sides of view
are
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apply
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still need to
discuss
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be discussed
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 more elaborately whether it is a positive or negative development.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, modern companies usually recruit
Use synonyms
employee
Check wording
employees
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 based on their skills and formal backgrounds rather than just
a
Correct article usage
their
show examples
 gender. They should
maximize
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maximise
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 the potential of their
employee
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 to support their goals. If
workplaces
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 employ equal numbers of
men
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 and
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women
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women,
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 that would be
benefical
Correct your spelling
beneficial
 to their performances, so
that
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apply
show examples
it should be fully supported. The balance of gender composition between
men
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or
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and
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women
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also
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create
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creates
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 a balance of
healthy
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a healthy
show examples
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workplaces
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workplace
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 environment because it will
minimize
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minimise
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 the risk of
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men
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men's
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 domination,
vise
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vice
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 versa.
Moreover
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, the value of professionalism based on meritrocracy is should be considered within
this
Linking Words
 modern era of
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women
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women's
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 emancipation.
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Women
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Women's
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 capabilities
also
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 potentially
impact
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on
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apply
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overall
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 achievement because in recent education,
women
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 often are more clever and
brightful
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bright
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 than
men
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.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, many institutions may employ and recruit more
men
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 than
women
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due to
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 their physical strength and the nature of
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work
Add an article
the work
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. If
workplaces
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 should impose the regulation to make an equal
numbers
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number
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 of
men
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 and
women
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, it will potentially
impact
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on
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apply
show examples
their performance.
For instance
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, when their nature of
work
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 is related to physical
field
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fields
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 and many other strength-related jobs, it
make
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makes
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 the completion process of
work
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will be
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apply
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longer if it
run
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is run
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 by
women
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.
Furthermore
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, the mechanism and coordination in the field cannot
work
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 properly if
men
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too
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are too
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dominance compare
Replace the word
dominant compared
 to
women
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.
Conclusion
In conclusion, I believe that
meritrocracy
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meritocracy
 aspects
is
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are
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 more relevant recently so that
equal
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an equal
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 number of
men
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 and
women
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 can make a positive development
Linking Words
due to
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because
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 the capabilities of
women
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 should be more considered.
Although
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 some jobs still need
man
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a man
show examples
 to resolve
but
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,
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 with
the balance
Replace the word
balanced
coordination
Punctuation problem
coordination,
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 it will make a significant
impact
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 to
workplaces
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 achievement.

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task response
State your view clearly in the first paragraph. Say that this is mainly a positive change, but that each job should choose staff by skill and the needs of the work.
task response
Keep the main idea the same from start to end. The essay supports equal numbers, but it also says some work should hire more men. Explain that equal chances are good, while fixed equal numbers may not fit every job.
task response
Develop each main point with a clear reason and one real example. For example, say how mixed teams can bring more ideas, or describe a job where fitness tests should be used for all people.
task response
Avoid broad claims such as women being more clever than men. This is not well supported and may weaken your point. Focus on skills, work results, and fair chances instead.
coherence and cohesion
Use a simple four-part plan: introduction with your view, one paragraph for why it is positive, one paragraph for limits, and a conclusion that repeats your view.
coherence and cohesion
Make each paragraph focus on one point. In the second body paragraph, the last sentence says men are too dominant, but this does not match the point about physical work. Replace it with a sentence that explains the need for job-based hiring.
coherence and cohesion
Link ideas with clear words such as “First”, “For example”, “However”, and “As a result”. Do not use long sentences with many ideas, as they are hard to follow.
coherence and cohesion
Use the same key words in a clear way. Write “equal numbers of men and women” or “a balanced workforce” rather than unclear phrases such as “same composition” or “balance coordination.”
task response
You answer both sides of the issue and give a clear overall view that fair chances for women are important.
task response
You include relevant ideas about skill, work results, physical jobs, and fair hiring.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction, two body paragraphs, and a conclusion.
coherence and cohesion
You use useful linking words such as “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, “Moreover”, and “In conclusion” to show the order of your ideas.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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