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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.

The graph shows the percentage of male and female academic staff members across the faculties of a major university in 2012. Summarise information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparison where relevant.
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The graph depicts the
percentage
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 of
number
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a number
the number
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 of male and female academic
staff
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members
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 in the faculties of a top university in the year 2012. The graph takes into consideration seven
branches
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 of the university : Arts, Business, Education, Engineering, Law, Medicine and Science. It can be observed that in the Engineering branch, the
percentage
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 of male
staff
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members
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 is the highest(around 82%) as compared to other
branches
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,
while
Linking Words
female
Correct article usage
the female
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staff
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members
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percentage
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 (around 18%) is the least among other
branches
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. The Education branch has
higher
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a higher
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percentage
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 of female
staff
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members
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 (about 75%) compared to
male
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males
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(about 24%).
Similary
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Similarly
Similar
,
Arts
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the Arts
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 and Medicines branch's
percentage
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 of female
staff
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 is greater than male
staff
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.
On the contrary
Linking Words
,
Business
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the Business
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, Engineering, Law, and Science
branches
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 have more male
staff
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members
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.
To conclude
Linking Words
, it can
stated
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be stated
state
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 that the
percentage
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 of female academic
staff
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 accounts more in Arts, Education and Medicine
branches
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,
whereas
Linking Words
Business
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the Business
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, Engineering, Law, and Science
branches
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 have
higher
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a higher
show examples
percentage
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 of male
staff
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.

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Basic structure: Use less body paragraphs.
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Basic structure: Change the sixth paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words percentage, staff, members, branches with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "percentage" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "compared" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 7 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the sixth paragraph.
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