IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Nowadays children watch lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child’s #health
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It is indeed that the technology has a predominant influence on the society, especially the young generation. Some intellectuals opine that the exorbitant exploitation of television and computer
game
Fix the agreement mistake
games
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 by
the
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apply
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adolescents might sabotage their psychological fitness. If asked, I agree
the
Change preposition
with the
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 above notion of a large instant and my supporting arguments are given
further
.
To begin
 with, the most detrimental effect of the above notion is that the children become more depressed and violent
due to
 the broadcast of programs related to crime and glamour.
Such
 practices are influencing the youth to earn a fortune overnight with the help of offensive activities.
Moreover
, many fighting
games
 create virtual tasks for the pupils to compete and win the
game
. If they cannot complete
such
task
Correct article usage
a task
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; they tend to be in a depression which is
very
Add an article
a very
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 worrying thing for their mental
health
.
For instance
, recently, a child
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
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committed suicide
to compete
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while competing
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on
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in
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task
Correct article usage
a task
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of
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in
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the
Correct article usage
a
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game
 called
blue shark
Correct your spelling
Blue Shark
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.
Thus
, inappropriate
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
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of
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on
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 TV and
games
push
Correct subject-verb agreement
pushes
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the
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apply
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teenagers towards
the
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apply
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saviour trouble.
Furthermore
, these offensive
games
 and programs on
the
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apply
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television make them
short tempered
Add a hyphen
short-tempered
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 and less
socialise
Wrong verb form
socialised
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.
Hence
, the emotional
health
 of these pupils would degrade. The addiction
of
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to
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games
 and TV
also
 make the lifestyle of the children more sedentary; less physical activity might obstruct their all-round development.
For example
, a survey conducted on
the
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apply
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pupils under 16 years
in
Correct word choice
old in
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 America revealed that
two third
Correct your spelling
two-thirds
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 of
the
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apply
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video
game
 addictive students are suffering from
the
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apply
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obesity.
Therefore
, the degradation in emotional and physical
health
integrated
Add a missing verb
is integrated
show examples
 with their mental
health
 and brings disaster in future.
To conclude
, if the technology is not used wisely, it may act as a demon. The youngsters are not aware enough
about
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of
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 the utilization of technology
such
 as television and
games
, which is dangerous for their psyche. The parents and teachers should guide them to avoid
such
 addiction.

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task response
For task response, provide a more balanced view on the topic and ensure that the supporting arguments are clearly linked to the writer's stance.
coherence and cohesion
Improve the organization and coherence of the essay by using clearer transition words and structuring paragraphs more effectively.
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