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Band 6.5

The charts below show proportion of British students at one university in England who able to speak other languages in addition English, In 2000 and 2010.

The charts below show proportion of British students at one university in England who able to speak other languages in addition English, In 2000 and 2010.
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The given pie charts provide information about
Use synonyms
proportion
Add an article
the proportion
show examples
 of
students
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 at a university in England that could speak other languages
beside
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besides
show examples
 English in two
difference
Replace the word
different
show examples
 years. In general, we can see that most
students
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 were able to speak Spanish at that university in 2000 and 2010.
In addition
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, we can
also
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 view that
less
Change the quantifier
fewer
show examples
students
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 could speak
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
two other languages. Beginning with the German
language
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, we can observe that knowledge of
this
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language
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 had increased by 5% from 2000 to 2010 at
this
Linking Words
 university.
Moreover
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,
students
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 were able to progress
their
Change preposition
in their
show examples
 Spanish
language
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 so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
the percentage of them had risen from 30% to 35%
amongst
Change preposition
in
show examples
 these years. It is
also
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 worth noting that
although
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 15 per cent of
students
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 could speak French in the year 2000, in 2010
this
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 percentage went down to 0%. Moving on to the no other
language
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 part , we can witness that
proportion
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 of
students
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 who were not able to speak any
language
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beside
Replace the word
besides
show examples
 English
have
Change the verb form
has
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 reduced from 20% to 10% between 2000 and 2010.
Next
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, when it comes to
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
language
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 we can
also
Linking Words
 notice that
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proportion
Correct article usage
the proportion
show examples
 of
students
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 who could speak another
language
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have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 increased from 15% to 20% within the decade.
Finally
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, we can mention that
proportion
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 of
students
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 speaking two other languages had
also
Linking Words
 risen from 10% to 15% between 2000 and 2010.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.
Vocabulary: Replace the words proportion, students, language with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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