IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Nowadays children watch lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child’s mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child’s #health
In
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
recent times, technology has uncertainly affected
person’s
Fix the agreement mistake
people’s
show examples
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
 by introducing new gadgets which attract most
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
teenagers
providing
Change preposition
by providing
show examples
 recreational and amusement
programs
. Some people opine that the use of
such
 an instrument would be detrimental to the growth of
mind
Correct article usage
the mind
show examples
 in the blooming. I strongly disagree
this
Change preposition
with this
show examples
 point by giving
argument
Add an article
an argument
show examples
 in the below paragraphs.
To begin
 with, the most important reason is that TV provides a number of different
programs
 which, provides information about the nation. Even some broadcast uses the latest technology, which
also
 helps them to know about the advancement in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
science.
For example
, there are many
programs
 running on
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
television
such
 as Britania
Champion ship
Correct your spelling
Championship
show examples
, which covers the quiz. By watching
such
programs
 the child can increase their intelligence and acquire
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
enlightenment about the globe.
Moreover
,
this
 type of
activities
Fix the agreement mistake
activity
show examples
 helps the children to rejuvenate from their regular study.
Although
, provides a new way of learning which attracts them to continue
the
Change the word
their
show examples
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
 would be beneficial in the
later
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
future.
Furthermore
, Because of the internet availability many different
games
 are available in the market.
This
 type of
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
show examples
also
 helps in to escalation of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concentration;
helps
Correct word choice
and helps
show examples
 during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic work. Some of the
games
also
 require
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
decision and analytic thinking as per the opponent
player
Change noun form
player's
show examples
 action.
For instance
, chess is
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 game which helps an individual in the growth of the mind and
raise
Correct subject-verb agreement
raises
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
concentration.
Thus
,
games
 are the medium that serves the happiness
to
Change preposition
of
show examples
 the children and for the mind
Fix the infinitive
to grows
show examples
grows
Correct subject-verb agreement
grow
show examples
. In conclusion, electronic gadgets
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 some detrimental
effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
show examples
 on the child’s vision abilities, but, would provide many merits.
Therefore
, teenagers would become elated and
give their
Verb problem
pay
show examples
 more attention to their studies. The government should promote some educational
programs
.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Coherence and Cohesion
Your introduction is weak and does not clearly state your position on the topic. Make sure to clearly present your argument in the introduction.
Task Achievement
Your essay does not fully address the question. You need to present a clear position and provide detailed arguments and examples to support it. Also, be sure to organize your ideas logically throughout the essay.
Task Achievement
You need to work on providing specific and relevant examples to support your points. Additionally, focus on organizing your ideas in a logical structure to improve coherence and cohesion.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: