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Writing Samples
Band 6

The following graphs illustrate electronic gaming trends in South Korea in 2006. The first outlines gamer age groups and gender demographics. The second indicates game type preference. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant

The following graphs illustrate electronic gaming trends in South Korea in 2006. The first outlines gamer age groups and gender demographics. The second indicates game type preference. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant
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The graphs show the trends of electronic gaming in South Korea in the year 2006. The first illustrates the proportion of females and males who played
games
Use synonyms
according to
Linking Words
 their
ages
Use synonyms
.
While
Linking Words
 the
second
Linking Words
 present the ratio of
games
Use synonyms
 that are preferred among all
gamers
Use synonyms
.
Overall
Linking Words
, both genders who played
games
Use synonyms
 accounted for the highest proportions were in their middle
ages
Use synonyms
.
However
Linking Words
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
role-playing
games
Use synonyms
 were the most popular game
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 all
gamers
Use synonyms
.
According to
Linking Words
 the first graph, the percentages of males who played
games
Use synonyms
 are higher than females
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 all
ages
Use synonyms
. The proportion of girls in their 20 -29
years
Use synonyms
 stood at 10%,
while
Linking Words
 the lowest number was for the females who were more than 30
years
Use synonyms
 by less than 5%.
Whereas
Linking Words
, the number of male
gamers
Use synonyms
 increased gradually from
ages
Use synonyms
 less than 12
years
Use synonyms
 to reach a peak at 20-29
years
Use synonyms
 by around 35%.
This
Linking Words
percent
Replace the word
percentage
show examples
 declined after
age
Correct article usage
the age
show examples
30
Change preposition
of 30
show examples
years
Use synonyms
 to just over 10%. As shown in the
second
Linking Words
 graph,
it is clear that
Linking Words
 the most played game
between
Change preposition
among
show examples
 all players was the
role playing
Add a hyphen
role-playing
show examples
Use synonyms
games
Fix the agreement mistake
game
show examples
 by slightly less than 50%.
While
Linking Words
 action, simulation, and strategy
games
Use synonyms
preferred
Add a missing verb
are preferred
show examples
 by 20 %, 10%, and just under 20%,
by
Change preposition
of
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
gamers
Use synonyms
, respectively.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "according to, second, while".
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Vocabulary: Rephrase your introduction. Words match: 75%.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words games, ages, gamers, years with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "trends" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: The word "graphs" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
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