IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Most Children want to watch the same TV programmes or play the same video games as their friends. Do you think parents should allow their children to do this ?

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From an ancient time, not only
children
Use synonyms
,
all
Correct word choice
but all
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 the species on earth learn various
things
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 from the surrounding atmosphere and from peer groups. Either they learn good habits or bad , but it
is
Verb problem
apply
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completely
depending
Wrong verb form
depends
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 on what
are
Verb problem
apply
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they
copied
Wrong verb form
copy
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. So,
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parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
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 involvement plays a very crucial role
to control
Change preposition
in controlling
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 these
things
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 what are they watching. I think
parents
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 should restrict manifold
things
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 like which TV programmes and video games are suitable for their kids to watch and to play respectively.
Firstly
Linking Words
, small kids just grasp the
things
Use synonyms
 around them because their mind does not what is right or what is wrong. So,
Use synonyms
parents
Change noun form
parents'
parent's
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intervene
Replace the word
intervention
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 should be required. For
take
Verb problem
apply
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an
Correct article usage
apply
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example, my son plays with other friends who
have
Verb problem
are
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 double age and
try
Correct subject-verb agreement
tries
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 to imitate most
of
Change preposition
apply
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the
Correct article usage
apply
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things
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 like TV programmes or playing video games, etcetera but he is only 5 years old so one of my family members always
need
Correct subject-verb agreement
needs
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 to
a
Correct article usage
apply
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company him and restrict them which are bad.
Secondly
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, both
the
Correct article usage
apply
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parents
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 are working ,
there
Rephrase
so there
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 will
no
Add a missing verb
be no
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 direct control over
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children
Correct article usage
the children
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 in
this
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 case.
Due to
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it
Correct pronoun usage
this
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,
may
Correct your spelling
many
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children
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 go astray
in
Change preposition
due to
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 lack of supervision which can
cause
Verb problem
have
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 very bad effects on society. To prevent
this
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,
parents
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 or guardians must observe what their
children
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 do in their leisure time and have to control their watching or playing habits consciously.
Finally
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, I strongly opine that
parents
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 should restrict the habits of their
children
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.
Hence
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, they cannot watch or play, some programmes or video games which can create
violence
Replace the word
violent
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effect
Fix the agreement mistake
effects
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 on young minds and draw them to do
worst
Replace the word
worse
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.
To conclude
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,
parents
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 are responsible for their kid’s behaviour
therefore
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 they need to tackle it with almost care
wisely
Correct word choice
and wisely
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.

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Coherence and Cohesion
The introduction presents a clear position and context for the argument. However, the initial sentence could be clearer and more engaging to capture the reader's interest. Consider rephrasing.
Task Achievement
Make sure to separate your main ideas into distinct paragraphs and develop them more fully. Each paragraph should have a clear topic sentence and follow a logical flow.
Task Achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. While the personal example is relevant, you can enhance your argument by mentioning studies or statistics on children's media consumption.
Coherence and Cohesion
Avoid using vague phrases like 'bad' without explaining what you specifically mean. Be more precise in your language to enhance clarity.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a clear viewpoint that supports the idea of parental involvement in children's media consumption, which is a relevant and significant topic.
Coherence and Cohesion
The overall structure of the essay is present, with a logical flow of ideas that can be followed by the reader.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

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