IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that employers should ensure a pleasant working environment so that workers feel valued and will therefore work hard. Others feel that employers should be more strict with employees and monitor them closely to ensure they work hard. What is your opinion?

#people #employers #environment #workers #work #employees
Every employer has a different style of conducting the
employees
. Some employers monitor
employees
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 every step in the workplace.
Otherwise
, some employers intentionally create a great
atmosphere
 of working in order to make
employees
 feel comfortable and bring a spectacular
performance
 of working. In my opinion, I opt to have a working
environment
 as the
second
 one with the reasons below.
Firstly
, a great working
performance
 usually comes with the optimal
environment
. At
this
 place, the optimal
environment
 is up to a person, some people love to be
in
Change preposition
under
show examples
pressure
 working. But not all people are able to
work
 in
this
 kind of
environment
, sometimes,
this
 type of
environment
 causes stress in workers.
Conversely
, every person can
work
 in a pleasant
environment
. Due to the fact that employers should treat every
employee
 in the same way, the pleasant
atmosphere
 is suitable for every type of
employee
.
Secondly
, if you’re worried about the
employees
 that are not suitable in my preferred
work
atmosphere
, in my
opinion
Add the comma(s)
,opinion
show examples
 the
atmosphere
 would not decrease their efficiency. Because
this
 type of worker will create their own
pressure
, in case you don’t push them enough.
Therefore
,
there’s
Change the verb form
there are
show examples
 no worries about decreasing their working
performance
.
In contrast
 to a strict working
environment
, it might decrease the
performance
 of some
employees
 who are not good at working under
pressure
. To conclude, a pleasant working
atmosphere
 could allow every working style
employee
 to be able to
work
 with acceptable
performance
. But not in strict working conditions, some
employees
 could not tolerate the
pressure
 from their employer.
Therefore
, the pleasant
atmosphere
 will give an efficiently working
performance
 in every
employee
,
instead
 of the strict one.
Submitted by inw.writing9 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: