IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Nowadays children watch a lot of TV and play video games. However, some people think that these activities are not good for a child's mental health. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#children #tv #video #games #people #activities #child #health
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is popularly believed that watching a lot of
TVs
Fix the agreement mistake
TV
show examples
 and playing video
games
Use synonyms
 leads to a worrying trend
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 children's mental health.
This
Linking Words
 has become a cause for concern since it affects little ones and
therefore
Linking Words
 the future of humanity. In my opinion, I completely agree with
this
Linking Words
 statement and
this
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate on the main consequences of spending a lot of
time
Use synonyms
 on TV or
games
Use synonyms
. First of all, the
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
 who spend almost all of the day playing video
games
Use synonyms
 or with TV shows are less social and do have not many friends.
This
Linking Words
 trend could be caused by a number of reasons,
such
Linking Words
 as the lack of
time
Use synonyms
 for friends, isolation from family, and wasting all the
time
Use synonyms
 on
games
Use synonyms
 and television. These activities can result in a number of problems in future when young ones will need to socialize and make new meets for study or job.
In addition
Linking Words
, these activities take a long
time
Use synonyms
 and youngsters pay no attention to books, self-education and study. Another important consequence is aggression by children. It is a well-known fact, that video game has led to anger and violence. What I mean by that, some of these
ones
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
include scenes of violence, murder and war
what
Correct word choice
that
show examples
affects
Correct subject-verb agreement
affect
show examples
 the mental health of
youngers
Correct your spelling
youngsters
show examples
. In conclusion, I strongly believe that the effects of TV and
games
Use synonyms
 are too detrimental to overlook. The government should stop
this
Linking Words
 trend by
control of
Wrong verb form
controlling
show examples
 content for children and developing good activities
such
Linking Words
 as libraries, sports sections and cultural events.
Submitted by alinazhumartova on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are present, but they lack clarity and focus. Be more specific and concise in your points.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the topic, but it lacks a clear and comprehensive development of ideas. Add more relevant examples and explanations to support your points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: