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Band 4.5

Most high-level positions in companies are filled by men even though the workforce in many developed countries is more than 50 percent female. Companies should be required to allocate a certain percentage of these positions to women. Do you agree?

#positions #companies #men #workforce #countries #percent #percentage #women
Unfortunately
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,Unfortunately
show examples
 the most high-level positions
belongs
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belong
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 to
men
, despite
women
include
Wrong verb form
including
show examples
 more than 50% of jobholder in
companies
. I agree with that proposition,
Companies
 should distribute an equal percentage of high-level jobs between
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
. Throughout
history
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,history
show examples
women
’s capabilities and intelligence have been underestimated, while
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
women
’s abilities can assist
companies
 a lot.
Women
 are more patient and motivated compared to
men
, in most
cases
Add a comma
,cases
show examples
 they make decisions patiently and consider all aspects they avoid hasty resolutions. They can control stress professionally.
This
 is really advantageous in stressful jobs with more responsibilities.
For
instance
Add a comma
,instance
show examples
women
 play
better
Add an article
a better
show examples
 role in managerial works very patient, Time management And of other colleagues are
priority
Add an article
a priority
the priority
show examples
. Another feature of
women
 is that they can have high communication skills. We may think
women
 are talkative, but
this
 is wrong. Because they do not Say everything that comes to mind quickly
women
is speak
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speak
show examples
 meaningfully, they want to think logically
In
Change preposition
About
show examples
 different topics and analyse each subject in depth. But
men
 act on words so
women
 can be more successful in articulation. The remarkable point is
women
more
Add a missing verb
are more
show examples
 committed to business ethics.
Usually
Add a comma
,Usually
show examples
men
 limit morality to the realm of business, but
women
 go beyond
this
 morality and always respect the efforts of others with the utmost fairness and justice.
Accordingly
Add a comma
,Accordingly
show examples
 that’s why
companies
 should pay more attention to
women
’s capabilities than divide important jobs equally between
male
Fix the agreement mistake
males
show examples
 and
female
Fix the agreement mistake
females
show examples
. in fact, every successful and reputable
companies
Change to a singular noun
company
show examples
 needs both
gender
Change to a plural noun
genders
show examples
 to be managed in the best way.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • gender disparity
  • glass ceiling
  • workforce representation
  • gender diversity
  • equal opportunity
  • professional advancement
  • social equality
  • gender equality
  • empowerment
  • barrier
  • discrimination
  • inequality
  • bias
  • reinforce
  • inclusive
  • combat
  • strive for
  • promote
  • nurture
  • enhance
  • progressive
  • implement
  • quota system
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