IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people think that video games are advantages while others believe video games are harmful to the people who play them. I would argue that video game my give the negative effect.

Some
people
Use synonyms
 believe that playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 is more beneficial for users
while
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 others claim that it is more disadvantageous. I personally believe that
video
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games
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 bring more benefits
while
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 being aware of their drawbacks. On the one hand, playing
video
Use synonyms
games
Use synonyms
 has some advantages.
Firstly
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,
games
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 help players to relax and
therefore
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 they could work more effectively afterwards. It is very important for both students and
people
Use synonyms
 who have to deal with increasing overload in
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 long run.
Secondly
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, playing
games
Use synonyms
 has a great educational purpose
For instance
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, there are quite a few modern
games
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 that have English instruction and a voice chat system, allowing
people
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 communicate to with others in order to exchange cultures all over the world.
On the other hand
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, playing
games
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 causes
negatively
Change the word
negative
show examples
 to players in several ways.
To begin
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 with,
people
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 are prone to addicted to
this
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 indoor activity and
therefore
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 they can not
easy to
Replace the word
easily
show examples
 get out and do exercise, leading to some modern diseases
such
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 as back pain and obesity.
Moreover
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,
video
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games
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 could distract
people
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, especially students, who need to focus on studying at school, leading to worse results in schools
due to
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 the lack of concentration. My cousin,
for example
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,
he
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
usually spends time playing
games
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 and keeps his eyes on the screen all the time.
therefore
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, he has low scores in his exams during
this
Linking Words
 term. In conclusion, I personally believe that playing
games
Use synonyms
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 more beneficial despite the
disadvantage
Fix the agreement mistake
disadvantages
show examples
people
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 should aware of
its
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
.

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task achievement
Consider providing a clearer stance in the introduction and ensuring that it is consistently reflected throughout the essay. This will strengthen your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving overall coherence by ensuring that each paragraph clearly links back to your thesis and each idea flows logically from one to the next. Use more linking phrases.
coherence and cohesion
In the conclusion, rephrase your main points and restate your position more clearly to reinforce your argument. Be mindful of grammar and syntax.
task achievement
Your introduction presents a balanced view of the topic, which is a good approach to addressing the task.
task achievement
You’ve highlighted both sides of the argument, which demonstrates consideration of different perspectives.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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