IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Science tells us about the activities which are good for our health and others which are bad. Millions of people all over the world knows this and still do unhealthy activities. Why do you think this is and what can be done to change it?

A healthy lifestyle is a
fast increasing
Use the right word
fast-increasing
show examples
 trend right now among young individuals. News, articles and advertisements about how to live a healthy
life
Use synonyms
 are all over different media platforms. And yet, not most
people
Use synonyms
 in any generation
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
 the capacity to practice the said lifestyle. There are still
people
Use synonyms
 who choose to live a detrimental
life
Use synonyms
. But really
what
Punctuation problem
, what
show examples
 is the sole reason for
this
Linking Words
? Most social media influencers
has had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 shown their followers about their prepared meal plan, exercise routines and even the supplements
there
Use the right word
they are
show examples
 taking to boost their health.
Moreover
Linking Words
, there are a lot of studies published by scientists or researchers regarding the positive and negative effects of having bad eating habits, inactive physical activities and taking unprescribed drugs.
However
Linking Words
, some individuals still do not consider practising or applying
this
Linking Words
 to their daily lives. The reason for
this
Linking Words
 is that not all in the community could afford to have a healthy lifestyle like those
people
Use synonyms
 they saw on social media. Sometimes, what influencers
showed to
Wrong verb form
show
show examples
 everybody is beyond the capacity of an individual. I think the real problem why
people
Use synonyms
 still choose to live an unhealthy
life
Use synonyms
 is because of the overwhelming information they see.
For example
Linking Words
, endorsements or
tv
Use the right word
TV
show examples
 shows
provides
Correct subject-verb agreement
provide
show examples
 recipes for a meal plan which cost a lot of money for some.
Also
Linking Words
, they promote pieces of equipment for workouts and new supplements
which
Punctuation problem
, which
show examples
 again
needs
Correct subject-verb agreement
need
show examples
 you to spend a huge amount of cash.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
people
Use synonyms
 who saw or
hear
Wrong verb form
heard
show examples
this
Linking Words
 who
does
Correct subject-verb agreement
do
show examples
 not have the money will probably stick to their old same shit. So why not provide information that everybody could relate to? In my opinion, in order to have a good result, we should
be
Verb problem
apply
show examples
first become an advocate of change by starting with ourselves.
Then
Linking Words
,
next
Add a comma
next,
show examples
 persuade a family member to try healthy foods without the need to use expensive ingredients or try to show them how to do a certain workout routine without buying pieces of equipment. And search for some home remedies to boost your immune system. In conclusion, being healthy is not
quite
Rephrase
that
show examples
 hard. It's just that we have to find another alternative if we do not have enough resources. At the same time, we should lessen our procrastination in doing things that are good for our bodies.
Lastly
Linking Words
, let us practise the virtue of discipline to achieve our
life
Use synonyms
 goal towards health.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

advice
Make the task view very clear. Start with the main idea and then add how to fix it in a simple plan.
advice
Use one idea per paragraph. Use clear links between ideas with word like first, next, then, finally.
advice
Check that you keep to the point you set. Some parts go off topic.
advice
Make the plan easy and cheap so more people feel they can do it.
strength
Good aim to discuss why people do not keep a healthy life.
strength
You note the issue of cost and media talks.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »- a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: