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Writing Samples
Band 5

in many countries today, if people want to find a job , they have to move away from their friends and their families. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

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It is necessary for people in some countries to settle down somewhere that would separate them from their relationships including families
together with
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 friends. I strongly believe that the drawbacks of
this
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 situation outweigh the benefits. On the one hand, the reasons for the disadvantages are varied. The foremost reason is that inhabitants would be much alone. To find a stable job with a high income, they have to stay away from their parents and friends who always support them in their daily lives.
For example
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, most Vietnamese young generations get used to being insulated so
that
Correct word choice
apply
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they might experience the feeling of being stressed.
Secondly
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, it takes them
much
Correct quantifier usage
apply
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time to
be
Verb problem
get
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 accustomed to the new life which is genuinely hectic and stressful. Teenagers now have
much problem
Change the quantifier
many problems
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 with their mental health, which makes it more difficult for them to adapt immediately to the whirlwind of lives.
However
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, some merits still exist with the defects as well. Moving to the city centres and living far from their homes means they are able to have more opportunities for occupations.
This
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 is why there are more and more adolescents accept being separated from their close acquaintances.
In addition
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, the young can practice social skills and sharpen to be more self-reliant.
For instance
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, they would be more confident and energetic when they are in the internship at a wide range of companies.
That is
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 why teenagers tend to find jobs in
further
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 areas regardless of moving away from their parents. In conclusion, the drawbacks of
this
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 development outweigh apparently the benefits. People may feel alone without any help and have to make time
for getting
Change preposition
to get
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 used to the new life.
However
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, there are some advantages comprising a wealth of careers and being able to sharpen soft skills.

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task response
Ensure that the essay fully addresses all parts of the task and provides a clear position on the given topic. Develop the ideas and support them with relevant examples and explanations.
coherence and cohesion
Work on improving the logical progression of ideas throughout the essay. Use cohesive devices to connect sentences and paragraphs more effectively. Also, ensure that the introduction and conclusion are clearly present and serve their respective purposes.
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